The Secret Life of a Military Spouse

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By Anna Marie Bowman

The Truth

For four years, I lived the life as a military spouse. It wasn't easy, it was rarely fun, but it was always interesting. Recently, I watched a bit of the TV show, Army Wives, on the Lifetime network. I had heard of the show before, but had never watched it. I figured it would be some weepy show, full of inaccurate stories of what the life of a military spouse is really like.

To my surprise, it was somewhat accurate. My ex-husband was not in the Army, and I will just leave it at that, so I don't really know if the situation is all that different, but for the most part, it was fairly accurate. I was surprised. It is a drama, so there is a lot of good, a lot of bad, and a lot of the normal. But, of course, it's TV, so there is none of the mundane.

The truth is, there is a lot of the mundane, but that is the same with any life. Life is not all just an up and down crazy roller-coaster. There were a lot of ups and downs, scary moments, painful moments, and a lot of really happy times, but TV doesn't show you all that stuff that lies in between the ups and downs. It doesn't show the boredom, the day to day reality.

The Beginning

All good stories should start at the beginning, so that's where we will start. My life as a military wife started the day my husband left for bootcamp. I was pregnant with our first child, and I had a hard time saying goodbye. He headed to training camp, and we weren't even allowed to talk on the phone. Months of loneliness and dozens of letters. Other than two short phone calls on the day our daughter was born, the letters were the only communication we had. It was hard on both of us.

His schooling was only slightly better. I was basically a single mom for the time that he was at school. I got daily phone calls and still more letters. I updated him on how the baby was, and sent him pictures. I cut out a clipping of his picture in the paper and sent it to him. All the while, I kept telling myself that it will be better once we are together. I needed some hope that things would be better. For a while, it was.

A New Home

Stepping off the plane in a new city, in a very different part of the country, far from my family and friends was one of the hardest and most exciting things I had ever done. I had great hopes for starting our life fresh in a new place, with a new life.

Our apartment was small, but efficient; perfect military housing architecture, bland and boring, but it quickly became home. I tried to fill it with things that we both loved. I tried to make it more than what it was. I was the doting wife, who kept the house clean, took care of the baby, and helped out in any way I could to make his life easier. I was bored. I had no friends. I tried to keep busy, but far too often, I would find myself watching and waiting for him to come home. He would be tired and want to rest; I would be stir crazy and want to get out of the house. This quickly put a strain on our relationship.

I found a few friends in the wives of some of the people in his shop. They were a God-send! One lived in the same housing area that I did, and we spent some time together at first, but not a lot. They were both younger than me, and I had a child, while they did not. Being in the isolated housing area that we were in, made it hard to seek out friends whom I might have more in common with. I had a hard time, and turned to my friends and family back home for support.

Clips of "Army Wives" on Lifetime

The First Deployment

The first deployment came too quickly. We had only been at our duty station for four months! We had already spent so much time apart, and were finally together, and the dreaded first deployment was here. My friend who lived in the same housing area, let's call her Kelly. Her husband was deploying with mine. I had someone to turn to. We had each other. We quickly bonded and spent most of that deployment together.

Her mother came to visit, and she would watch my daughter, so Kelly and I could get some time out of the house together. We hit the town, and quickly realized a few things. First, we could have fun, even though we were sad about our husbands being gone. Second, alcohol flows freely in a military town. And third, single men in the military prey on wives of deployed members of the military. These men saw the rings on our fingers, saw something in us that said, "Our husbands are deployed!", and I guess, they figured we were fair game.

I can't count the times I had guys hitting on me, buying me drinks, or making moves on me after they found out my husband was deployed. I was shocked! I can even recall one time, a guy from my husband's own shop tried to kiss me! Someone both my husband and I knew! I look back at how naive I was back then, and it almost makes me laugh. If I had known then, what I learned later, I would not have been so shocked.

Cheating in the military is more common than most people would realize. Even though it is a chargeable offense in the military, it is very, very common, and in most cases, people just look the other way. Unfortunately, Kelly was the first of us to realize this. Shortly following that first deployment, she discovered that her husband had been cheating. A pattern that would continue until they eventually split up.

My husband's first deployment lasted only a few months, and I was able to stay true to my vows, despite the numerous advances of numerous men. I was so happy to see him get off that bus! I could hardly stand it. I remember that day so well; all the nervous energy, the preperations, the primping, and the seemingly endless wait. It was one of the happier moments.

These are the images you usually see in regards to a military spouse
These are the images you usually see in regards to a military spouse

The Long Stretch

There was a long stretch where he did not get deployed. It was over a year before he got deployed again. That time in between deployments was good and it was also bad. How bad, I would not know until much later.

We had a lot of fun, spending time with our friends, and having parties for one thing or another, hitting the bars when we could find a sitter, and just enjoying our lives. It wasn't always easy. There were last minute inspections, early mornings every day, and training exercises that would take him away for a couple weeks at a time, but it was tolerable. I was adjusting and making friends. I got a job at a child care center, and I loved it! I made even more friends through my time there. Things were actually going well.

Then more news. My husband was being sent out-of-state for some training exercise. It was him and a couple others. He said it would be fine, and he would be back in no time. It was only two weeks, after all. No different than other training exercises in the past, this one was just out-of-state, so he would not be able to come home at all, not even for an afternoon. Like most things, this came up at the last minute, and we had to rush around to prepare. I helped him get his gear ready, and gave him a big hug and kiss goodbye, and tried to explain to our daughter why daddy had to leave again. She was so young. It was hard for her.

This was not like every other training exercise. They were in a hotel instead of in the field, and he was able to go out to the bars at the end of the day, instead of hanging out in his tent, playing cards with the guys. He came home, and he seemed strange. I asked him about it, and he said that he was only tired. Days went by with him acting stranger and stranger, sitting on the computer all the time, looking at me wierd. I knew something was up, but every attempt at getting anything out of him, only resulted in more of nothing.

I got nosey, hacked into his email, and there was all the answer I needed. Emails to and from a woman, with intimate details, and more than I ever wanted to see. As I said, cheating is a very common thing in the military, and I had never really believed he could do it. But, here it was in full color, ripping my heart out of my chest. I called him at the shop and screamed at him, hoping his CO would hear me. I wanted him to pay. I wanted him to hurt the way I hurt.

He promised me that this was the only time, that it would never happen again, and that he would never see or talk to her again. Lies, lies, lies...that's all it was. It was not the first time, it did happend again, and he did talk to her again. We attempted counceling, but he could never get out of work to go. The military doesn't care if you and your spouse are happy. An old joke says, "If the military wanted you to have a spouse and children, they would have issued them to you." It is a bad joke, mostly because it is mostly true.

I don't want to turn this into just a session of bashing the military and bashing my ex. That isn't what this is about. This is a cautionary tale for anyone contemplating a life as a member of the military or as a military spouse. But, in the course of doing that, I have to be honest.

Revelations: The Second Deployment

Things never really got better. There was never enough time. Between training, his work schedule, my job, our daughter, and just making it through each day, we grew further apart. The damage that was done, was never repaired, and we only ever made it to two counceling sessions. And then, the second deployment came. A seven month stint in Iraq this time. I was terrified. I knew our relationship was rocky, at best, and being separated for such a long time could only make it worse. My friend Kelly and her husband had already gotten divorced the year before, so I knew it could happen.

I had learned a lot by then. I had learned what life as a military spouse was really like. The way you were treated by other military members, by other spouses. My friend Kelly was looked at as a whore. After repeatedly cheating on her, and then a messy divorce, her husband, and other men spread lies about her, and a lot of times, it's a guilt by association thing. My other friend, Rachel and I were seen in much the same way. If only because of who we were friends with, and the lies that were spread. We were seen as easy prey.

Rachel's husband was already overseas. She had a harder time than either Kelly or I dealing with the deployments. She seems to feel things more deeply than Kelly or I do. She is a strong, smart woman, and still she had already succumbed to the advances of a couple of men in the short time her husband was gone. Was I going to fall that easily? Was my marriage even worth saving at that point?

I shared my fears with my husband. He tried to ease my fears, but I saw in his eyes something that scared me. He doubted me, but there was more. Something else hiding behind the concern. The day he left was bright and sunny, but storms were churning deep inside me. I had so many questions, but there was no time to ask them. It was once again, time to say good bye. My daughter kissed her father, I gave him a hug and a kiss, and off he went. Off to danger and adventure, and more boredom that I could have imagined.

A short time later, I confronted a few friends of mine on something that had happened a year before, shortly before the time he cheated on me, in fact. I had ventured home for the wedding of my sister, and on one night, I could not reach him. I called and called, I even called Kelly and Rachel. No one knew where he was, no one would tell me anything. It seemed odd, and I was really upset. He told me later that he had been babysitting for a friend of Kelly's, and that he had fallen asleep, woke up later, and gone home.

I confronted my friends about this after my husband had left for Iraq. Something about the way he was looking at me in the days before he left was bugging me. They told me what they knew. He had been at this person's house, helping with the kids, and Kelly and Rachel had gone to Kelly's house, right next door. His car never left the parking lot, and my husband and this woman had been acting wierd all day that day and the next.

I decided to call this woman's ex-husband,Dustin, who strangly enough, was the man that Rachel was currently dating. Dustin told me what his ex had told him. That she and my husband had done everything except the actual act itself. That she had stopped him at the last minute and told him no. Neither I nor Dustin believed this for a second. I could not call mu husband this time and yell at him. I had to wait for a call from him.

The End

It was a long two days before I heard from him. I told him I wanted a divorce. I had to wait months for him to return from Iraq so we could start the process, but in my mind, our marriage ended that day on the phone. I wanted nothing more to do with him, or his lies. I was a much wiser woman that I had been when I first stepped off that plane, and knew I could get pretty much anything or anyone that I wanted if I really wanted to.

My wedding ring came off, the high heels went on, and I went a little crazy. We spent a lot of nights out, a lot of nights having huge parties, and a lot of nights are still a bit of a blur. I had a great babysitter who lived right next door to Kelly and her boyfriend. It made the life I was leading very easy. I spent most of my time with my daughter, but spent quite a few nights out with my friends. I'm not saying that what I did was a good thing. I was hurting, and in a lot of pain. I was careful and responsible, but he still found out. He had me followed. For all I knew, he had been having me followed from the get go. I have no idea. I don't really care. Fact is, he found out. He threw it in my face. He tried to use it against me, threatened me and threatened to get the person I had been seeing into trouble.

It became very messy. He tried to win me back, tried to bribe me, blackmail me, you name it. I had no one to turn to except my friends. Kelly and Rachel were still there, we had managed to stay together this entire time. Through Kelly's divorce and another bad relationship and Rachel having a baby and an affair, to my own affair, we were still together. It was amazing, and I relied on them to help me through it all. I spent a lot of time with Kelly and her current boyfriend, and even had the help of a couple of the guys that worked with my husband. I of course, had the support of my friends and family back home, but they were so far away.

He returned from Iraq, and we started the divorce process. The whole time, he is trying to win me back, telling me he can change, etc, etc. He also wanted me to change. I could not be friends with Kelly and Rachel anymore, I could not go out. It was as if I was the one who had ruined our marriage and not the other way around. Our divorce was finalized six months after he got back, and I moved back home.

Looking Back

My story is not all that uncommon. Out of everyone I met during my time as a military wife, I can't remember one single married couple who had survived the military without someone cheating at some point. A lot of times, it ended up being someone the other person was close with, a friend, a friend of the spouse, someone they saw at work, but once in a while, it was just a random someone they met at a bar in another city, where they didn't think anyone would ever find out. Everyone is very close-mouthed about it. Kind of like "don't ask, don't tell." If you don't ask for the information, no one is going to tell you. Sometimes, even if you ask, they won't tell you.

Life is better for me and for my two friends. Kelly is still with the guy she was dating during my ex's last deployment. They are engaged and moving away from the area we all lived. Rachel is still married, and is expecting her second child. They are stationed at a training base, and he isn't expected to deploy again anytime soon. I am doing well. I have reconnected with my first love, my high school sweetheart. We are both divorced, both have kids and both are astoundingly happy. I can't remember being this happy. Kelly and I will be living few short hours from each other, and are looking forward to hanging out together, and planning her wedding. Life has moved on.

I doubt things will ever change in the military as long as too many people look the other way. Cheating is commonplace. It seemed to me, that it became an accepted part of the military life. It may be considered a crime in the military, but it is one that is often ignored, or overlooked. I am not saying every married person in the military cheats, or that every spouse cheats. I am only sharing my experience and what I saw and dealt with. I have a great love for the members of the military, and a great respect for what they do. I have made many friends from my time as a military wife, and I love and respect them dearly. I don't wish to talk ill of them in any way. The people that I met, for the most part, were great people. Even good people are flawed.

Comments

Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 2 months ago

George-- That is a sad story, but I am glad that you and your wife were able to stay friends. After all these years, my ex-husband and I have managed to become something close to friends. It took a long time, though.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 2 months ago

Lindsay-- This is quite common. Don't give up yet. Seek ways to reconnect with your husband. Be patient with him. Remember, that things are very different back home than they were on deployment. It will take some time to adjust. You may want to seek the advice of a councilor. If he will go with you, that would be best, but if not, go by yourself. You may be able to find ways to make the transition easier for him.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 2 months ago

All branches of the military have their little differences, and I agree, there is a big difference between the lives of officers, and their families, and those of the enlisted ranks. I kind of tend to agree, that quite often, officers tend to be a little stuck up, but that doesn't go for all of them. I have known many who were wonderful people.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 2 months ago

Amanda-- I said several times that not everyone in the military cheats. I just made a point that the environment of the military lifestyle, and the attitude of that lifestyle, makes cheating very common. I do agree that those outside the military do cheat, as well.

george 2 months ago

dont worry be happy i lost my wife to the army. when ihad to go away for months she was horny and couldnt wait for me to get home we are stil friends

Lindsay 2 months ago

I am having problems connecting with my husband now that he is home. He has returned to his base and I'm at home with our 5 month old daughter but I think deployment has made us two different people and I'm ready to call is quits...is that bad?

Andrea 2 months ago

I didn't read the whole thing but as a marine wife for 6 years... Marine life is nothing at all like the show army wives. Not even a little bit, but that could be because my husband isn't an officer. Officer life is different. They are kinda suck up from my experience

Amanda 2 months ago

I'm sorry to hear about your horrible sad story. But you shouldn't say 'people in the military cheat... It common..' blah blah. That's horrible!! Just because you and a couple others had issues doesn't mean anything. Cheating is common in the real world too.

My husband and I both have an agreement -- if we cheat we will destroy each other. Lol. I will destroy his career and he will destroy anything for me. Even so I would never cheat on him. I've been there and it hurts.

Him and I have had a rocky passed but we have chosen to forgive each other. It still hurts when we both talk about it.. As it does for him. But I've loved him from the start and wanted to be with him. I knew he loved me because of how he talked to me and only me.

Keep a good open relationship with lots of trust. Talk about everything and try and work it out.

kacy daugherty 2 months ago

Thanks for sending a picture of the spell to me, It looks like it took

forever to do. I really appreciate you doing this for me even though I

could only pay you ----. It was nice because I know you put much

effort into this and you deserve much more than ----- for all the work

and time that was put into it. I don't know what I could ever do to

repay you..this is really important to me because I made a mistake

and it could/should have been avoided and you are helping me get

another chance to make things right. I want to say Thank you Thank

you Thank you but really I know I owe you much more. You are a good

person and all's I can say is that I wish you all the best in everything

that you do. You don't know what you have done for me, not just this

spell-that was a major part, but you also have opened up my eyes to a

lot of things I have been overlooking for pretty much all my life.thank

you (powerfulkumar@yahoo.com) I

Thank you all, Everything you have done is and will always be greatly

appreciated.

Kacy Daugherty

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 3 months ago

Steph-- That is strange. I never had that problem. Though I did work with kids at the time, and got sick a lot, anyway.

StephB 3 months ago

One thing they don't mention- if you marry a military guy, expect to get sick all the time! My guy gets sick all the time, and I always catch it too. Can't help but be close to him.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 3 months ago

Sarah-- I agree with you. I did point out that not all people in the military cheat, but that the military lifestyle makes it much more common, and the climate of the military is one of indifference to it. I applaud you and your husband for withstanding the temptation that is prevalent in the military lifestyle.

Sarah 3 months ago

I would like to say that her story is very sad and I wish the best for her but I would also like to point out that it is the guys fault if they cheat it's not the military. Also it's not always the women cheat too! I am a marine wife and my husband has never cheated on me and I have never cheated on him and never will. We have been through a lot of training together and coming up on the second deployment. I think that if a husband truly loves his wife and vice versa there will be no cheating going on. My husband was deployed to japan where tons of the guys cheated but my husband called me every night and when ever possible. I just don't get why people automatically think that if a man is in the military they will cheat. Some men actually have values and principles. So you shouldn't assume they will all be cheaters

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 3 months ago

KM-- I understand where your husband is coming from. There is an attitude in the military of "don't make waves, don't question anything, and do as you are told". I hope you and your husband are able to make it through all of the hardships you are having. Sounds like he comes from a difficult family life, which may contribute to his current behavior. Stress can often bring out the worst in people.

KM 3 months ago

A big problem with the way the military is run right now is it perpetuates a culture of cheating. Spouses are separated from each other far too much, for a war that should have been over five years ago, and separated for "training" that could be done on the base itself. Also, some soldiers are treated much better than others, people like my husband get stuck doing everything and getting called in on their days off while everyone else gets to take days off work and training for silly things.

My husband takes his frustration from being so overworked out on me by yelling at me all the time, ignoring my needs, not caring when I'm unhappy, etc. I tell him he needs to stand up for himself, and he gives me this "you can't do that in the army" (yeah, you can. other people in his company get away with murder and have no consequences.) So he makes me the enemy instead of dealing with the problem itself. I've just about had it. Neither of us have cheated, but it's getting to the point where I don't want to be around him anymore.

You're lucky you had friends to help you through this. I have no one here. It would make it so much easier to have friends. As weird as it sounds, having a kid probably would have made it easier too, it would help the loneliness. Though I can't have a child right now- my husband's siblings are total psychopaths who will find any reason to hate everyone they meet (literally. they bully me and everyone else around them.), and I don't want to be held accountable for my child to have to see aunts and uncles who are emotionally unstable.

He's about to have his second deployment next year. I'll be surprised if we last that long, but if we do he'll be out of the military as soon as he gets back and we can try to build a normal life. The military sets marriages up for failure. A family should not be split up for years for a pointless occupation of another country, especially since we don't bother to defend our own borders. I knew what I was getting into when I got married. I thought it would all be worth it to be with my husband, and I've had a big let-down.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 4 months ago

jbug-- So many questions...LOL! If you live on base, you do get to see them every day, if they are not deployed, and if they aren't sent away for training. Sometimes military members get sent for training for weeks, even months. If you live off base, there is still a chance you would get to see them every day, depending on the situation. Sometimes, there is limited base housing, and you get an allowance to live off base. Depending on what you do in the health & science field, you may or may not get deployed. If you have medical training, you might get deployed as a medic, or to a base such as the air base in Germany, which has it's own hospital, but that is less of a deployment, and it is a duty station, instead, and you family would be able to come with, depending on the availability of housing, etc. Reservists do have to go to boot camp. They do still get deployed, as well. I am not sure on the pay and benefits, though. You do not have to live on base, but there is still a certain amount of time away from family. I hope this answers your questions. Feel free to stop back if you have any more.

jbug 4 months ago

I was thinking about being in the reserve so how does that work. i know it's part time and you don't have to live on base. but hows the pay and benefits work.i heard you only go in one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year, do i still have to go to boot camp?

Jbug 4 months ago

wow! these stories are crazy and sad. i would never want to go through something like this. But i do have a question. once you live on base with your family. do you get to see them everyday.do they come home everyday?bcuz i know if you don't live on base with them then they live on their own and far from u right. so it's better to live together on base so you see more of each other. I heard ppl get deployed so if they do deploy then that's when your away for a time. My career choice is health and science do they deploy alot? i am not the military but lately i cant stop thinking about maybe joining. i have children and i don't want them to grow up with me being there. they are my world.

Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 4 months ago

Miranda-- It can be hard to deal with those feelings of 'what if'. I can certainly sympathize. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Thanks for sharing-- I am very sorry to hear that.

Jennilicious-- Thank you for reading.

hopelessly lost-- Thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine how hard this all is for you. I have been there. I wish you the best, and I wish I had more words of advice for you.

joy-- I am not sure why your marriage is ending so soon after it started, but I wish you the best. As far as Afghanistan goes, there are women there, mostly other military women, but no, no strip clubs that I can imagine.

Mary-- I can imagine what she thought going through his phone and discovering that he was married. It must have been a shock to her. I am glad that you have found happiness through that tragedy in your life. All the best.

Brenda-- You have an interesting perspective. Some people can function with an open marriage, but it takes the right type of people. In most cases, people get too jealous.

Brenda 4 months ago

Spending 20 years as an Air Force wife, I can say that few have not cheated in my opinion, including me. It has actually saved our marriage. I am sure he has cheated as well and we never discuss the subject. I can only say that sex is a very powerful thing and is difficult to deal with when the #1 is gone. I turned to others for comfort and found plenty who were willing including many men who were married. If the military kicked out every person who committed adultery, our military would be too small to operate.

Mary 4 months ago

God, an amazing and hellish story that never changes very much everytime I hear it. My first marriage, my husband and I were both Specialist's in the Army...Active Duty...and happy...until I got the call from a rather upset girl who had found my name in his cell phone well he was in the bathroom in her barracks room....yeah...So...now I'm married to the man of my dreams, who happens to be the same Chaplin I went to see months after trying to deal with it all on my own. My enlistment time ended, and now we have two beautiful children.Everything happens for a reason.

joy 5 months ago

as far as Afghanistan goes, my husband soon ex said he will have to go there....and we got talking about cheating he said there are no women there and no strip clubs either I kinda just laughed to myself...fill me in girls guys???

joy 5 months ago

wow...thankyou to everyone...I was only married for 45days to military captain new there would be issues about deployment because of being apart and the need for closeness lets say in that time...are marriage is ending already {anullment}in the process now....after reading all the comments I'm glad to be getting out before the real hurt.....my heart goes out to all of you......

hopelessly lost 5 months ago

I am in some what of a same situation and your story, I know what you went through I'm in it right now, we have been together for 11 years and have 4 children, I suspected something was going on before she left, but while she was gone our computer started acting wired, then fixed itself literally days after.she was supposed to be home from ait, well I found notes in her bag, which she denied, texting messages to people Nd calls when she told me she had to go or couldn't talk, she was always contacting us just before bed checks and saying she just got in, spending a lot of money on I have no idea, she came home with a lot of sexy lingerie saying it was for me, but she also told me that the sight of me disgusts her, and she can't stand to look at me. I would fall asleep in her arms to wake up to her texting these guys and her saying I was just playing with my phone, the smile she would get when they text , I couldn't even make her smile like that anymore,.and i still feel that there is something going on, cause she always threatens to stay where she is at and not come home for the holidays, saying that its my fault for her not coming home. I found her on some websites that are of not the family orientated ones if you know what I mean. I noticed a lot of military personell on these sites as well. That's my story in a nut shell, and confused on what I should do.

Jennilicious 5 months ago

Thank you for sharing this story.

Thanks for sharing 5 months ago

My daughter just found out that her military husband had been cheating on her while in Afghanistan.

Miranda 5 months ago

I have been a military wife for over 4 1/2 years now. I have remained faithful to my husband during deployments, classes, and whatever else takes him away from me. I would like to think that he has been too. We just got to Korea where he had been by himself for 7 months. Can't get rid of this feeling like he maybe cheated. But I think if I ask him he will probably tell me no even if he had. Separations and babies make it so hard to maintain a happy marriage. We were doing good there for awhile...but I feel like we could split up soon if something doesn't change.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 5 months ago

Lainey-- This isn't meant to scare people. I am sorry if I scared you. It's always best to go into a situation knowing all the potential risks, though.

just another...-- I have known several couples where both partners were military. Some did well, and some did not.

smzclark-- I know that the peer pressure puts additional strain on couples. Buddies encourage men to cheat, girlfriends encourage women to cheat, and everyone looks the other way. It is hard to maintain a healthy relationship in an environment like that.

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smzclark Level 3 Commenter 5 months ago

my husband was in the military (before we were married). he spent months in ireland and iraq and went away training often, but i know he never cheated. i'm not saying that you're not right about all that you wrote...my husband often spoke about how all but one of his friends in the military cheated on their partners and tried encouraging him to cheat on me! military life definately tests the strength of all relationships. it's sad but true.

just another military ex-wife 5 months ago

Wow, this was nearly my exact same experience except that I was initially also active duty. Such a sad consequence of the military culture...

Lainey 5 months ago

I did not need to read this...my spouse is joining in January and I am so terrified. I can only hope to god that things wont be like that....

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 5 months ago

2893-- Don't let this story scare you. Every situation is different, and my story may not be the same as yours. Don't end your relationship based on this. Give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt for now. If he hasn't done anything, you should stick by him. He is going to need you right now, and if he hasn't done anything to deserve you breaking up with him, then give him a chance. If your concern is over being able to handle a military lifestyle, you should talk with him about that.

2893 5 months ago

I had so much faith in my boyfriend & I. . I was doing so well than this ruined everything. . I feel so depressed. . idk if this set me up or its making me leave before it's to late. . He leaves for bootcamp on the 13th

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 5 months ago

Joe-- Sadly, I have known women just like the one you described. They didn't care what they did. I also knew men like that, as well. I knew a man, who upon learning of my ex's upcoming deployment, called dibs on me and another girl, right in front of him. I was appalled at this, at the time, thinking everything was fine with my marriage. Of course, this wasn't the case.

Airmangirl-- Don't just go not trusting him. Talk to him. It may be more innocent than you think. It may not be, but you won't know until you talk to him. Explain that his change in behavior is bothering you, and you want to make sure that everything is still fine between you. Don't accuse, or get angry. Try to remain calm and talk to him without attacking him. You are more likely to get an honest answer if you approach it in a way that won't make him defensive. Tell him how his behavior makes you feel. He may just be relishing in this freedom, much like college students do once they are free from the constraints of high school and their parents. I hope things work out well for the both of you.

Airmangirl 5 months ago

My boyfriend is currently in the military, before he left to basic training we had plans to get married and he knew what he wanted in life. He's currently in school learning his job and well lets just say ive noticed changes in his attitude. He has days where he's super sweet and says that he cant wait to see me and there are days where he is totally distant.

When he was home he never went out, partied, he just hung out with me and it was always about me. Now since they have weekends off he goes and parties, goes to the club, and drinks which he's never done before. In a way i understand since all that is new to him, he has friends there which he's always around where as here he never hung out with friends. We've been together for almost four years, he's my high school sweetheart and my first love :( Even though im only 19 i have matured faster than most girls my age and i was ready for marriage. Even though he still talks to me everyday and says he loves me, i feel like when he settles into his base and starts getting deployed things will change drastically. I dont want to loose him, but after reading this im just not sure whats going to happen.

Joe 5 months ago

Sadly, the culture of cheating in the military goes both ways. I've apparently been blessed with better duty stations in the past, but I arrived for the first time at an infantry base a few months ago and was appalled at the city around us.

My first time going out to a local pub, I met a military spouse, her husband of four children deployed. "What I relief" I thought to myself, sitting in a strange bar in a new city, "A fellow military person. Someone safe to talk with and learn about the city." Fast forward about an hour later, and I'm cashing out and thanking her for the nice conversation... and then she suggests I stay. I tell her I'm pretty well set for drinking and shouldn't... and she tells me just what could happen if I -did- stay.

I left, glad in a cowardly fashion that I'd never gotten the name of her husband so I didn't have to think about finding him. Sadly, though, that story wasn't a rare exception... it seems to be par for the course in this town. A lot of soldiers seem perfectly fine with trying to court married women, and just as many spouses seem perfectly fine with being the aggressors as well. I don't even like leaving base here anymore... I usually come back disgusted.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 5 months ago

Snowbell-- Your story is truly heartwrenching. I am sorry for what has happened to you. I can relate all too well. Thank you for sharing your story.

Samantha-- Your mom is giving you some wise advice. It may not be necessary to wait to get married until he is out of the military, he may decide to re-enlist. It is a wise idea to wait until you are sure you really know each other. Being so young, you do have a lot of time to really get to know each other, and even more importantly, get to know yourselves. A life as a military spouse is not an easy life, even under the best of circumstances.

somemarine-- thank you for all of your wonderful comments. I appreciate you keeping tabs on this humble little story of mine. I just hope I am able to do some good with the experiences I have had.

h.c.xxx-- It can be very scary to be in a strange place all alone. I wish you all the best.

smzclark-- Thank you for your insightful comment. I can understand how difficult being married to an ex-military man could be. I agree with you that the men that cheat are often trying to get away from themselves for a while.

Christina-- My heart goes out to you. I am sorry. Leaving everything you know and love behind for someone else, only to have it end in a nightmare is a terrible thing to deal with. You have no one to turn to, and no help for thousands of miles. I have been there.

Melissa-- Thank you for the link, and for the great response to my story!! I will include a link to your response on this page, aside from the comment you left. It was great to read!!

MarineWife-- That can be especially hard having him cheat on you with someone in his own shop. He still has to see her every day, you have to see her at various military functions, and the fact that his superiors told you flat out that there was nothing you could do...it is terrible, and they were wrong to say that. There was a lot you could have done. I hope things work out well for you.

Danielle-- Thank you for your comment. It is hard on military members and spouses.

anon-- Military bases are like small towns...rumors and even truths travel faster than a high-tech jet. The story you tell is similar to one I knew of when my ex was in the military. Her husband was deployed, she got involved with another military member, claiming she was already divorced. It was a terrible situation.

Army Veteran-- Truthfully, there is very little you can do. You aren't there, and even if her NCO did say something to the men that are hitting on her, that doesn't mean that it would stop them from doing what they are doing. You can't control every situation your wife will be in. If you trust her, that is all you can do. If you don't trust her, well, then you already have problems.

VLO-- Thank you for reading. It is quite common for military members and spouses to be separated, depending on the circumstances. Seems after all that time, you should have little to worry about. If you haven't found proof of cheating by now, either he is really careful, or he just isn't cheating.

Dollpalace-- I agree. Not everyone will cheat. I am glad that you have such a strong and healthy relationship. Keep it up.

mel-- That is terrible!! My heart goes out to you. I wish there were something I could say to ease your pain.

painless-- It seems as if she is regretting what she did and that you are both working on getting back to a healthy place in your relationship. I hope all goes well for both of you.

ginger-- Your story is all to familiar. At least you were able to see the signs before things got too serious, like marriage, children, etc. It is terrible that when someone cheats, they often project their own behavior onto their partner. I hope things are better for you now.

Dusey-- I applaud your decision to stay with your husband. If mine had only cheated once, I could have forgiven it, but it became a pattern of behavior that I could no longer tolerate. Considering your story, I think you made the right decision.

Melissa-- I agree that it is possible to find a faithful partner, even in the military. I have a very good friend who met her husband one day, moved in with him the next, and married him a month later. Strange as that story is, they have been together for 15 years and neither has cheated on the other, so it is possible.

Melissa 5 months ago

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 7.5 years. We have been through multiple deployments and other separations, I can say confidently that my husband has never strayed, nor have I. It is not denial. It is who we are.

Infidelity is absolutely a part of the military culture, but it is not impossible to find a faithful partner either. From my perspective, I find that if you let your expectations known from day 1, then it can greatly have an impact on the relationship. From the day of our first meeting, my husband knew if he stepped outside of our relationship that it would be our last day in one. Six months or sixty years. If he cheats on me, we are done. That is not a risk he was willing to take, nor did he want to.

We work to keep our marriage strong. We do not drink, which I believe leads to a lot of inappropriate behaviors. Furthermore, we are open books. He knows all of my passwords, and I know his. A person with something to hide, does.

Bottom-line is that any marriage can be at risk. It is generally more accessible within the military due to the distance often times. However, military marriages can also thrive and flourish, but it takes work and commitment. Nine years and two kids later, my husband and I are still very much in love.

Dusey... 5 months ago

Hi.. I was once a military wife.. He did cheat.. but with someone outside the military with a who cares type of person..He never wanted me to find out..He just wanted to play once like his buddies.. I never cheated back... I guess I decided not to for my own sake not his... We had two too many kids.. I decided to forgive him and we stayed together until his death in 1998.. we had been married 16 years with five kids. all under the age of 14 when he died at age 33... I want to say Oh well and I should have divorced him.. But I am glad we stayed together. I wish I still had him here with me.. I know this goes on in the military.. I guess While in Germany with him I could have gone out with the other wives and put myself in that situation. But chose not to.. Not judging anyone that did go out and party.. just not for me.. Oh and by the way the women over there while their husbands were in Iraq were banned from at least two Bars that I know of. Even though I did not go out. My friend and next door neighbor did and I remember them bashing the other wives that made a bad name for them and got them all banned..I personally thought it a little one sided cause the men cheated too, but I had no control over it..I just stayed away from the Drama. I love your story.. and think it very accurate.. Thank you and take care. Glad you found the right guy and you are happy now

ginger 5 months ago

Really enjoyed reading this story, having been in a crazy place myself. Had a short (6 months) but very serious relationship with a soldier,which I felt I had no choice to end. Both of us are in our late 20s and thought this was the real deal.Unfortunately we met in the 6 month lead up to him being deployed. Have to say I utterly disagree with the woman making comments about maybe the men cheat if wives/girlfriends arent in shape...I have a degree, career and without sounding arrogant, know that I am not short of attention. Everything started out perfect with my guy, we come from the same home town and both of us agreed after a few months that we wanted a house, kids the lot...trouble started when he went back to his base...There would be nights when his phone was permanently off..random (but incredibly attractive) girls would suddenly be added to his facebook from the area the base is in....(there was always an explanation and every girl was a "friend". ) At the same time he would get insanely jealous if I went out with girlfriends to the point that he said I would be "dumped" if I went ahead with a planned night out with the girls for my birthday...anyway, when he came home on summer leave (4 weeks before deployment) everything was wonderful for a week (i arranged a weekend away, went to a real effort)...then the unbearable behaviour began... he would look at me funny and say I was "planning his life for him!!", be critical of me...at the same time he was helping cover up for one of his best friends (also a soldier) who was juggling 3 women. Yes this did make me insecure, but I think understandably so...then he pushed me away further and further, boasted about looking forward to the deployment, was seen in bars with ex girlfriends, mysteriously met other women whilst I was at work...I ended the realtionship at this point, heartbroken and in disbelief at how it had unravelled... of course I was the bad guy for "abandoning a soldier before tour"......since then ive had a lot of emails from him out there begging for another chance....I honestly believe that not knowing how to deal with being deployed and what happened in previous tours led to some of his behaviour...yes I am not perfect but did feel pushed to the limit..I will always love him, but the trust went and dont think I can risk ever being treated like that again.....x

painless 6 months ago

I'm active duty and after two years of being apart, my wife waited until we were together to cheat on me. She couldn't stand the shift-work I was doing now that I wasn't deployed. She went out with friends, and it ended up that some of those nights included some guys around. she didn't intend on cheating on me, but alcohol makes people do bad things. The guy kept pressuring her all night to go back to his place and she kept saying no. She apparently got tired of saying no and late in the night said yes. She felt dirty and lost and crazy the next day and didn't know what she should do, so she started an affair that didn't last more than a couple weeks until I noticed something wrong and confronted her. She still went and did crazy unthinkable things for another week until she came to her senses. Here I am almost two years later and I'm still messed up in the head. I can't get over it. We've four kids and I didn't want to leave them. My wife is also completely remorseful and she is actually a much better person than before all this. She is less selfish and more caring, but it still hurts and I go through depressive episodes everyday. There is no longer any change for me to get promoted and I'm just hanging on, hoping I can make the three more years until retirement, and hoping that I can love my wife like I used to. It feels like its coming back, so there is hope. I know what it's like to be cheated on. I would not wish that on anyone, and as long as I am married, I will uphold my vows.

mel 6 months ago

I have been married 19 years. I just found out that he has a girlfriend who is pregnant. He just left for a tour overseas. He has filed for divorce, but won't be final until 6 months. Since he has been gone, I received bills in the mail showing all of the money he spent on her, including the bill fot the ultrasound. He also signed a lease with her for an apartment in another state. He just received top secret security clearance for his job at the embassy overseas. This is very difficult to deal with, but coping. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, but it does help to know that I am not alone.

MarineWIfe 6 months ago

I think its great that you wrote this. Alot of people don't realize when getting into this lifestyle that you are moving into a cheating society. I have been married to my husband for 4 years and thank god we have remained faithful and can still communicate and be happy. There are so many good and normally honest people that cheat. you have to be strong and really honor your vows to make it. When I first moved her I hated women that cheated, then I realized it was a 2-way thing here. I don't agree with cheating but I def. see why alot of good people end up doing it. For half it is not that they don't love their spouse it is the lonliness. The other half do it for the thrill of getting away with it. Not trying to be mean or offend anyone. That is what I have seen firsthand so far.

Dollpalace 6 months ago

I also have a boyfriend who now is an ex soldier,I never planned to meet a man in the military,he was 21 and I was 18...6 years on we are still together,he has never cheated on me,he stopped drinking when he met me,not that I asked him because I did drink a bit and go out,he just stopped,he got rid of he's army girl mates,even though I never asked lol he just told me they were not happy for him and they didn't like were I was from,anyway he just let them go. I mean my point is he never gave me any signs that he cheated or would do it. He truly loves me and works hard for our future. He said loads of men in the army had to deal with their girlfriends cheating on them while they were away. My boyfriends ex did the same to him when he was in Iraq. These men cry he said and I guess it works both ways. Course I have been paranoid about him cheating on me but I tell him my feelings all the time and same with him,he gets worried I will get bored or not wait around. That was when he was in the Army but now he's in Iraq again only doing another job security,am not worried because I know he wouldn't do anything,and the fact women don't do the job he does anyway lol but even when he was doing another job he tells me a woman wanted him to have her number and he said no thanks. So I have trust for him :-) Not everyone cheats I guess...Just I know even if he did cheat on me then it would be he's loss and I'd move on because I'd like to think am a strong woman. Reading some of these stories is very sad but just know not every military man or woman will cheat. Most important thing is to have your own life,be supportive as much as you can and things will be ok. Men or women want support especially if they are away,I gave my boyfriend support,didn't stress him out and in return he has shown me commitment and has made loads of effort to keep in contact when he was away.

VLO 6 months ago

Thank You, for your dedication to this blog. I have been a military spouse for over 24years and always suspected this, however, my situation never allowed us to travel with him. He always went on PC orders

Army Veteran 6 months ago

I have to say I was married while i was in the Army my 1st wife cheated on me with 7 different men while I was Deployed which 2 of them were NCO on Rear D i have to say they got kicked out of the military under JMCJ action due to the fact that my ex wife had her friend record her having sex with these 2 NCO and her Friend told me she felt guilty for recording my wife and the NCO and felt bad for me and the pain i was going through so she gave me the tape and i watched and was shocked on what i was seeing she was having sex with one of them while she was on the phone with me while i was deployed so i gave the tape to my commander and pressed charges and they got kicked out of the military and while that was happening i got a divorce i found it fun that they escorted her off post in the back of a MP patrol car as the MP took her off post he looked at her and said there the corner maybe some buddy will pick up for a buck the MP was a buddy of mine by the way. But what i have to say now is more for advice now that i am on the other side i am happily remarried and my WIfe joined the Army she has just completed Basic Training and is in AIT doing her in processing she calls me every night and we talk for hours but she tell me all the guys are hitting on her now and she has asked them to stop and she has gone to the NCO there and there not doing anything about it they tell her to deal with it and that boys will be boys and to think nothing of it so the question is there anything i can do about this i have been out of the Army for 5 years now so i know a lot has changed any advice would be great my wife is very loyal she lost 35 lbs in basic training and went from a a size 15 pant to a size 6 pant and she looks really good i have to say but she doesnt like the attention from the other males who are only looking at her for sexual entertainment she stay to her berriks room just so she doesnt have to deal with it and she is on the phone with me every night until she falls asleep and we have web cam also so i know i can trust her so is ther anything i can do to stop these guys

anon 6 months ago

Living on base, you get to know MORE THAN YOU EVER wanted to know about people's lives...to include adultery. I don't know that anyone is immune from it b/c I have seen junior enlisted, senior officers, civilians and spouses. I expected this from people who were there w/o their families, but I see it w/ people there WITH their spouses as well. It's hard to say whether it happens more often or whether we just HEAR about it more often.

I know of an active duty servicemember currently on her 3rd marriage. She and 2nd husband went overseas a few years ago, he to a ship. People going to the ship were warned in advance that the deployment schedule was very hard on marriages. While he is deployed, she has an affair with another servicemember. Neighbors thought that they were divorced already. They were shopping at the store and she was making dates in front of her husband. "I have a problem, but he'll be deployed on Thursday." They have a long drawn out divorce and needed to return to court b/c she refused to provide a passport for their child. She lied to him about being married even though the pictures are on Facebook and her last name is changed (AGAIN).

I wonder if karma will come around to her for her nasty ways. Even though it took them years to get divorced, she is remarried within months. If you cheat, are you more likely to cheat again? If your spouse and you get together while you are still legally married to someone else, how can you build a foundation of fidelity to one another?

Danielle 6 months ago

It is interesting just how much military spouses or military members have in common. I am a military spouse, and I am happy to say that my husband will be out soon. No more deployments. But it has been a year since he's been home. Cheating is just one of the 10,000 things a spouse must go through alone in an unknown place, with no support group except the mostly unloyal people who are putting on an act to "fit in"....just saying. Your post is sad, not uncommon, not shocking. I can totally relate.

MarineWife7373 6 months ago

this is the story of what seems like 1 in 4 military wives.

my husband cheated on me with a female marine in his shop and his higher-ups did nothing. in fact they protected both of them. my husbands gunny told me to my face that everyone does it, there is no sure thing as an emotional affair and to get over it.

since then i have felt alienated by everyone in his shop. i never beleived the saying "if the miltary wanted you to have a wife they would have issued you one" until my husband cheated on me.

my husband and i are working on things but i am counting down the 2 years until he is out.

Melissa Sipin 6 months ago

I just really want to say a big "thank you" to Anna for this fantastic blog. I wrote a rather long response to it on my blog, I hope (Anna) you can read it one day. I went through something similar, but it was before the Navy, and I can say now that it was one of the most devastating events of my young life. But, years later, I can see how my husband has changed and we are surviving his affair. That Navy makes it harder, as its environment is conducive to affairs/cheating, but I still believe there can be relationships that do work out. It takes a helluva lot more work for a military marriage to work, but it's the same as any other marriage too.

http://lissawriting.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/the-s

Thanks again. I really appreciate your story and the comments here on this blog. It has been enlightening for my own experience.

Best,

Melissa

Christina 6 months ago

Your story touched my heart...I so understand..becouse I am going through the same right now...I am 23 years old and German.

I packed up my life and left my friends and family behind, moved across the ocean to a different world to be with the love of my life...it ended in a nightmare...I am back in germany now, I only came back with one bag and my dog and deal with the pain day by day and have a hard time to find myself back in the "normal life" :(

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smzclark Level 3 Commenter 6 months ago

you may've got off lucky. being married to ex-military can be even more frustrating---they leave with sooo much baggage! your 'military man' would have eventually turned ex-military. my experience has taught me that these men aren't trying to get away from their woman, but they are trying to get away from themselves for a short while. they want to forget everything they've been through and pretend to be someone different if just for one night. so to all the military spouse's who've been cheated on, i can say with confidence that it's not anything you've done or not done, it's much more likely to be something that he's done or not done that he wants to escape.

h.e.c.xxx 6 months ago

ive only been married a short time 5 months im 19 and ive given up everything i no to be with my husband im in germany now and when we first got married we got put in the welfare flat for 4months and then the day we got our new house they sent him back to the uk for a month on excercise and that was horrible i didnt no anybody and i was alone in a place were we wa ment to be together he went out on the weekends when he was on excerise i did feel very insecure but i understand were your coming from sort of cuz we've both been there a few year ago but its true your story happens to so many different wifes/husbands its unreal thank you for putting it up

somemarine 6 months ago

Katie

I want to apologize to you for what ever military member has wronged you or your loved ones in a way that you would hold us all with such contempt. The truth is the military is not perfect there is no sure way to weed out all the bad ones before they get in but the majority of the men and women who serve are good people.

please do not condemn us all for the sins of a few the same way we do not condemn all civilians for what a small number of them do. Does rape happen in the military yes i am sorry to say but it also happens in the civilian life too you should look up collage rape studies more people are raped in collage by civilians than all of the military cases combined its every where

please do not stop what you are doing

we need people like you shedding light on the bad situation so that we can do something to change them i just ask that you not have such a narrow minded out look on it attack the bad parts not the whole military and i just thought you might like to know all branches of the military have a zero tolerance policy on rape and have an on going campaign to combat it and every military member is required to attend annual awareness classes

somemarine 6 months ago

Anna Marie Bowman thank you for reading my post i just wanted to let you know i am not a commander i am an enlisted marine i was a 19 years lance corporal old when i got my first group of marines and i started mentoring marines under me. Thank you again

misslace 6 months ago

Your story and other peoples comments have helped me a lot but I am so sorry for what happened to you and you are a strong woman for getting through it and so glad you're happy now. I come from a military family and while my dad who was in the Marines was deployed and came home he and my mom struggled for their relationship and they separated but are finally happy now together. My high school sweet heart and I have been together for 2 and a half years now, we are only 19 but thats beside the point. He left to boot for the Marines came back we spent every second together and he recently left to MCT. Every doubt in my mind has occured since he became a Marine and this lifestyle scares me to death although we aren't married. While he was at boot they tell them DO NOT GET MARRIED like someone said on a previous comment. My dad warned the same thing. We have talked about marriage and the tactics about waiting and really finding out if this is the life for 'us' as a couple are what we are going to live by. We also let God into our relationship and began going to church together and are aware of all the things that could happen and he told me straight up that girls will throw themselves at him(we already experienced this during his 10 day boot leave) he told me that there are going to be temptations put in front of the both of us on this journey but if we stay strong and lean on God to give us strength we can do this and stay always faithful. The Marines have taught him honor, courage, and commitment and he takes it to heart and wants to represent the Marine Corps well. There are so many stories of cheating military spouses it scares me and really gives me doubts but not all of them are like that, there are good men and women out there and i believe that. It depends on the person not just military but anyone in general and the intergity they hold. I may be young and it might make me sound somewhat naive but it has helped me get through everything so far. Best of luck to you and take care!

Semper Fi

amish 6 months ago

To bad something cannot be done about the cheating wife

Samantha 6 months ago

im only 18 years old and my boyfriend just went to bootcamp a week ago. Before he left he told me only 3 months and we can get married. My mom made me promise her that I wouldnt get married until he was out in 4 years. Its really hard to keep a promise like that when your so sad, and lonely, but this has helped me see the reality, and will help me really think about it. I know not everyone cheats, but the deployment does happen to majority. Thank you .

Snowbell 6 months ago

Hi, This is such a sad story. I can relate to this. My husband got deployed in 2007. It was a fast deployment. I cried and cried. The entire time he was in Iraq. I was crazy in love with my husband. I'm still torn apart and now have fibromyalsia from the stress he put me through. My husband had been running up skype phone bills and a wireless phone up talking to a woman in CA. I went through the bills each month and this number was one the bill so many times. I knew something was going on. I was always ready to take his call he called me but not thousands of dollars a month in phone bills. His bill was 1800.00-2000 a month. I was sick. I did not get one penny when he left for Iraq I had no healthcare nothing. He went off in his this other life as if everything was okay. Well I was told to drive from Missouri to WI to visit him and possibly pick him up and take him home after Iraq deployment one year later. I drove all the way up there 600 miles to get my husband. This was all before I found out he was cheating but I knew something just was not right. I have two kids at home two that I take care of. Well I take him home back to MO. He goes into his office gets on the computer and finishes his limo rental and hotel stay for a month in CA. I seen it on the computer when he walked out of the room. He even planned all of this with his parents knowing. They said I would get upset. Hell ya I'm mad. What woman would not think there husband is cheating leaving for 1 month. I'm way smarter than this crap. He tells me he is going to leave for 30 days to find a job. We live in MO not CA. This was crap. Well I go crazy, Im emotional find out there was several phone relationships pulling up numbers off the bills. I called them and asked how do you know Brian Arnold. They would say who? He was using a name Von. A prince from a Germany. I knew right away my husband was bipolar and had a mental problem. Im so upset typing this. What I'm trying to say is that he has ruined my body emotions, nerves. I could never trust anyone again. I'm so ashamed in my husband. The Army did nothing to him when I asked for help with his cheating. Nothing, they did not even call me back. I went to a counslor from military one source they had called the chaplin. They did not return his call at all. The Army is not there for spouses when they need it. Yes you can get free advise but this does not fix things. I'm married to a crazy military mentally abusive man.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

Lord_Ba'al-- I have been replying to this for three years. I reply to all the comments I receive on all of my articles. I respond because there are others who can learn from my experiences, who have questions, or who just need someone to talk to. I have moved on from it, but I do know that there are others who are currently dealing with the same thing I went through years ago. It makes me feel good to know that I can help others.

Lord_Ba'al 7 months ago

I don't want this to come off as offensive but you have been replying to this almost religiously for 3 years. I think this did more psychological damage to you than you may understand. You might want to take the opportunity to evaluate what happened and not only emotionally but mentally move on from it. I do wish you the best.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

AFTxAngel-- It seems as if you and your husband have things figured out. What works for you both may not work for others, though. I appreciate you sharing your story. It can be a hard road, and I wish you all the best.

AFTxAngel 7 months ago

I have only been married a week so I am a BRAND NEW military wife. When my hubby and I first started dating he had an issue with talking to other girls. (I didn't know until later down the road thanks to him accidently leaving his facebook open) I left him, but we were miserable without each other. He wrote me a month or so after we were seperated telling me that he missed me, and he didnt realize how much I supported him and pushed him to do better. He had been moved to a new base and learning a new job (went from being security force to RTC instructor) We started things up again but slowly. I was still hurt from the previous events (not all named here my story would be too long) and had a hard time letting go and moving forward. He had to show me multiple ways that he had changed. He eventually had to give up old habits and (sadly) stop talking to his mom. She raised him thinking it was ok to date multiple girls, and that there was no reason that he should ever settle down.I only know this because he stopped talking to her and she sent me a lengthy hate email. I moved with him to his current base and stayed with him a few months before we decided to get married. I needed to see how he acted around me in his new surroundings and nothing was the same as it was before. I strongly believe with my whole being that he truly changed. It took us working together to figure out why he was doing the things he did. We do everything together and nothing alone. It might sound a bit extreme but it is what works for us. We go out with friends and have BBQ's at our house, but we spend the majority of our time just the two of us. We went through so much when we were dating that we have figured out what works for us as a couple. Some may say it is just because we are newly weds and blah blah blah. I know it is because we have already been through so much that we have figured out what needs to be done to make it work. It is still a work in progress of course. Being a military spouse is a love/hate relationship and it takes constant work. Temptation is everywhere and communication is a must. My heart always goes out when I see couples going through something like this. It takes a strong heart to decide what the best thing to do is... be it staying together or seperating for good. It is sad that military couples have so much to be weary of because we know all to well just how precious our time is with our loved ones. I like reading others experiences that are both good and bad. It gives me strength and reminds me to stay true to myself and not just curl up in a little ball and give up or give in. :)

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

jen-- I agree with you!!! There is no good reason to cheat, and if a man is going to cheat, he is going to cheat.

Jessica-- Living so far from my family was hard on me as well. I am very close to my family, and recently moved back to be closer to them, as well. Having a support structure makes things much easier.

Taha-- Thank you for reading. And I am enjoying life a lot more now, thank you.

grace-- I have received a large number of negative comments on several of the articles I have written. I always try to respond with a certain amount of courtesy and class, even when others do not. Thank you!!

renae-- Cheated with your younger sister? That is terrible!!! I would never have forgiven my ex if he had done that. One of my exes often talked about that sort of thing, and that is one of the reasons he is now my ex. I am glad you have used this as a learning experience, and have been able to grow and be a happier person. I wish you all the best.

renae 7 months ago

Just wanted to comment on this story. I just turned 21and am currently going through divorce. Was a proud marine wife no kids. Married my high school sweetheart. Unfortunately, shortly after marrying. He cheated on me with my younger sister... stupid me took him back. Only to read text messages in his phone. He was trying to "hook up" with a woman in San Diego. That was it for me... the last draw was just last month. He got out honorably discharged. He left me high and dry to pay rent in Oceanside and everything else on my part time job. He went back home. I was scared about to lose everything... he transferred his unemployment. Checks to another add and I was SOL.... all of this hurt in 2 hrs. Who knew ppl could be so cruel. I have since moved back with family. And karma became his enemy.. I never signed the renewal lease for the apartment. He did! So there is hope out there. And I have since learned to trust men a bit and am a happier and stronger person :)

grace 7 months ago

Ann, We had ex-husbands types in common. Like you I have a great life now. I regret nothing because it ended better for me and my son. I love your responds to smdh, it was graceful and high class. I wish I could do that, but I can't. smdh I bet I know what you wear as you prance around that base you live on!!!!!

Taha 7 months ago

Thanks Anna-Marie.It was interesting story.Anyway,keep on to enjoy with you life!;-)

Jessica Andersen 7 months ago

I enjoyed reading your story. I am a marine wife and am going through the same thing. I have been with the same man for almost 5 years, two of wich have been since he has been military. I know how it feels to live so far from friends and family and have no one close to talk to. I will be moving back home in two weeks..

jen 7 months ago

To the woman who said was talking about us military wive keeping in shape.

Yes men will be men. Everyone has a type and yes say us girls get out of shape and are all down on ourselves for the way we look. It is still no reason to cheat or lie. There is no good reason to cheat. If you are going to stray then maybe the relationship wasnt meant to work.

I go on long hikes with my husband. Our life together isnt perfect. We have our good days and bad days. We do a lot together. I have my flaws and he has his. I am misstrustfull and he lies (in his mind to keep me happy)

this is still no reason for him to do what he does. I take a shower before he gets home. Put on a nice dress or sexy outfit to try and spice things up. When he is feeling down about is physical shape i compliment him and try to do more active things with him. Yes i have my bad days when i find out he has been lying and i get on him. But all in all i try to show him how much i love him. I want this to work. I love him. I look up to him. I am proud of the good things he has done in life.

But the way you put things is wrong. Yes there is two sides to every story. I am sure some of these women did some wrong on there part. Maybe they werent supportinve enough. Maybe they let themselves go and were selfconsious and pushed there negative image of themselves on there spouse. Maybe they were to jellouse but still it takes two to tango. Its not all our faults. If there man isnt doing there part to make the relationship work like us women do then they have to take some blame to. Like i said before there is no good reason to cheat, even if we are nagging and out of shape that is no good reason.

Sorry just wanted to put my two sense out there...

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

Eash-- I find what you said very interesting and also very telling...I am sorry that all women are not doormats. What you said basically told me that if my husband were to come home, suffering from PTSD, and beat the crap out of me, or even killed me, it would be my fault.

somemarine-- I am so glad that you posted this. I think that more military commands could learn something from you. Thank you for sharing that.

trisha-- I agree, it isn't for everyone. I enjoyed it, and if I had been married to someone who hadn't cheated on me, I think I would have liked it a lot more.

Brittany-- Give your husband the benefit of the doubt. If he hasn't done anything up to this point, at least give him a chance. At least you will be going in with your eyes open to the dangers, but don't let those hold you back. Similar to riding a bike, don't let the fear of falling down keep you from something great.

rb-- I wish you the best of luck. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him and make things work.

katie-- Thank you for sharing the links. I will check them out.

jen-- It sounds as if your relationship has had more than its fair share of rough patches. I hope things work out for the both of you.

smdh-- I will ignore the blatantly bad writing and focus on the message behind it. You remind me of someone else I know. Someone very shallow, who only focuses on appearances. While I agree it is important to look good for your spouse, I do not feel that something so shallow could be the source of a man's need to cheat.

smdh 7 months ago

Look after reading this i got a huge headache. Ladies not all men are going to do that ! I am a military wife and never had that experience. You know why? Because i do what i am suppose to. I mean alot of u are comming on this site and telling your sides when i know for a fact that there are two sides to every story. Maybe it was something you did. Now i many of you dont want to hear this but its true! Like for instence were you guys keeping yourselves in shape? Was he comming home to a sexy mother and wife or a hot mess. Dont be mad im speaking the truth. He is human not superman and as human we make mistakes. Were you givijg him a hard time or were you showing him a strong powerful women. I bet half of yall were acting just as needy and pathetic as can be! Be a women guys want what tgey cant have if you were acting strong and bringing positive vybes once he got home trust me he wouldnt b going anywhere. Keep yourself sexy,fly, nd make sure your sex life is the s#!% and all you new wives, try not to get pregnant untill the time is right! Cuz then you will end up as the steroetyped baby military momma who might go into a deep depression nd rely on her man for everything. Get a degree create a hobby go out with friends anything to have fun nd b yourself while he is gone. If you are constantly thinking he will cheat you will b miserable. Dnt have a pity party! Join a gym partake in a new culture!!!! Something. A successful relationship can happen! But it starts with u he will have enough to worry about dnt bring no drama!!!

jen 7 months ago

Life as a military spouse can be really hard to handle. I met my husband when i was 15. he was 16 going on 17. Five months after he turned 17 he joined the army. He gave me a ring and told me that we could make it through this. He stole a cell phone in basic and called me now and then. Then one day the calls stopped and the letter came. He broke my heart in a letter. After a year i finally moved on. I tried dating but nothing was even close to what i felt for him. Then one saturday morning i heard the phome ring before my mom said anything i knew it was him. She told me she gave him my number and he was going to call. I took him back and we were happy for awhile. I was 17 he was 19 and he flew me to see him on the weekends. We were young we had another break up but we wound up getting back together when i turned 19. We were planning on getting married in a month. Then i found out who he really was. He was on the balcony with his friend. I over heard is conversation. He was bragging about cheating on me when we were younger. I yelled at him but he had a way with words. I went through with the marriage only to find out how messed up he really was. His second deployment really messed him up. He had a bad drinking problem i was afraid his anger would turn to violence toward me so i left. After a year we tried again. I was living with my parents and so we decided to try the long distance thing. It worked for awhile but then he found a new addiction. We both cheated got through it and i decided to move in for awhile till he deployed. We had a confession session and i told him everything i ever did that i lied about and he sorta did the same. he ended up not deploying because of an injury so we had more time. It has been a rocky road and im still not sure if its going to work. He started lying to me about everything and i broke down. He is getting better on that but i dont know if i will ever fully trust him again. Then suddenly he developed a porn addiction and now we are going to marriage counceling. We have our first appointment this week. I dont know if we will make it. I want it to work. He is the love of my life. I have always ran when things got tough but this time i have to see it through. Military life is difficult. I know the divorce rate in the military is a lot higher than in the civilian world. There are very few to make it work. I just hope that I can be one of those lucky few because i would be lost with out him. The pain this has caused is worth it if we can make it through this. I know what you have all been through. I know the pain it can cause you. I know how this can stick with you even after it is over.

Katie 7 months ago

Regarding the military rape accusations, I cannot bring my friends here to testify.

Anyway, here are some links regarding these issues:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3w2mGQ7V3Q

and

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oew-marshal

http://www.pbs.org/now/shows/421/index.html

http://ipsnews.net/news.asp?idnews=54485

I hope this is an eye opener.

rb 7 months ago

I am a military wife, and yes the story you said its sounds just like mine. I just pass through that expierence, and I decided to give my husband another chance, first it was for my kids( i have 2) than i decided that i still love him. But there is no day that I ask myself if this is realy gonna work, and there are even days that i cry and anger starts flowing through my vains. This november he is deploying and i just dont know how its gonna come out. Sometimes i feel scared but other days i just realy want him to do it again for me to leave him beacause we agreed not to bring back the past, but i am not sure if that past its not in the present now. When someone asks me where does my husband works, i am embarrased to say that he is in the military, instead of beeing proud i feel embarrased. I am proud of his achivements but i dont like being a military wife.

Brittany 7 months ago

This article is enlightening and I am glad I found it. I have been struggling with the fact that my husband just joined the Army. Many of my doubts include being a part of a culture where cheating and lying is so prevalent. I trust him fully, but hate the idea of all of the scandalous people being after him or myself. He told me that he felt uncomfortable shopping at the PX for the first time, women were staring at him and hitting on him right in front of their husbands. He has been at his first duty station for about a week now, and I am doubting joining him there. I know that sounds bad to many people, but I have a great job and love where I am. He is in a tiny remote town where I wonder if I could ever get a job. I wonder how spouses manage their own careers, etc, or if they do at all in the military? Do other women feel this way? I guess I just resent my husband for enlisting after law school without including me in his decision to join the Army. We started dating four years ago when he was in law school and I was in college. After graduating from law school he decided he doesn't want to be a lawyer, and enlisted as an infantryman. I know I went way off topic, but if I am feeling like I resent him for joining, and dislike so much of the culture- maybe I am not cut out to be a military spouse.

trisha 7 months ago

This was a great story! Thanks for sharing your life with total strangers... but I have to say im not liking being a military wife!! I don't think I could do it any longer

trisha 7 months ago

This was a great story! Thanks for sharing your life with total strangers... but I have to say im not liking being a military wife!! I don't think I could do it any longer

somemarine 7 months ago

I enjoyed this post Anna Marie Bowman and the conversation everyone is having about it. I have this conversation with the men in my unit all the time. Part of my welcome aboard speech whenever I get new marines is DON’T GET MARRIED. I am not against marriage I have just been around long enough to know the likely hood of it failing. It is very common for a newly married couple to begin cheating on each other given the situation. Just look at the facts and you can see why.

1. Most of the time the newly married couple is in the 18-21 year old range with no real world experience these kids don’t know what love is.

2. Both partners have to deal with culture shock the military member is working in a high stress heavy workload environment. The spouse is taken from their home and loved ones and placed in a unfamiliar place taking away the only support system they have ever known. Believe or not there are both going through the same type of stress the only difference is the military member has their unit members now where the spouse is only left with the military member to rely on.

3. Just like it was mentioned in some of the other post the spouse becomes restless spending all that time alone while the military member comes home tired you could see how this would conflict.

4. Now that the couple has grown apart it is very easy for them fall all it takes for the spouse is someone to show them some sort of compassion and the military member just need a means to escape.

It is very easy for both sides to cheat and blame each other but the truth is both sides are at fault.

Now going back to my first thought I tell my marines DON’T GET MARRIED this doesn’t mean don’t ever get married it means be prepared before you jump in to it. Here is a list of things I tell my marines to do before they get married

1. Never get married before your first deployment this give both sides time to get the feel of military life and allows them the ability to end it before they get married should it not be in their best interest.

2. If after your first deployment you still decide to get married don’t not yet at least fly your significant other out for a couple of weeks and introduce them to your day to day life style in the military. Now after this if you both still feel like it’s what you want to do you can get married.

3. Now that you’re married do not move your spouse out the first chance you get allow them time to get everything in order back home so they don’t have to rush everything and end up becoming over stressed.

4. Next know that your spouse is going to have a bit of culture shock but not nearly as much as they would have if you both rushed in to this situation. Now allow them time to rest and adjust to the new situation.

5. Do not let your spouse become sedimentary this means get them a job and or hobby that gets them out of the house and allows to meet new people and make new friends this will prevent them bombarding you with their need for human interaction like they would if they didn’t have a job or hobby

6. Finally make time for each other this is usually more of a problem for the military member rather than the spouse but that’s neither here nor there. Doing things together helps strengthen your relationship.

7. Preparing for the upcoming deployment is easy it’s as easy as keeping each other informed establishing a support system prior to the deployment which should already be in place if you fallowed the other tips

This really works I have several marines under me who have sound marriages because they have fallowed these steps and since I have been in a position to counsel young marines prior to them getting married I have had only one whose marriage did not work out but that individual did not use my advice.

Eash 7 months ago

I am a military spouse, and while I do feel sorry for the experience you had while you were married to the military I do need to say :: At no point what so ever, no matter what happens is it okay to do what you did when your husband was deployed. I, like you and many others, signed all of the papers when we were married and when he joined. Regardless of what he did, that should have been taken care of when he was home or when it actully happened. Maybe I have a different intake on this because I grew up in a military family and know/saw what my mom did when my dad was deployed to keep herself occupied. There are classes and breifings that spouses are able to take when the husbands get deployed and I'm thinking you should have gone to them. Regardless of the pain that he caused you, there is absolutly no excuse for spouses to go bar hopping when husbands are deployed. point blank. What would you have done if your husband had ptsd when he came home and acted out on your actions??? While cheating may be "common" in military marriages, it is obvious that it isn't for everyone. You included.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

Katie-- I don't know of any instances or allegations of rape during the time I was around the military. I think your accusations are rather harsh. While I do agree, if a girl is going to be dating ANYONE, she should get to know the person very well.

Katie Wesson 7 months ago

I think there is something that makes sinful sexual acts prevalent in the US military.

It's not only sexual relationships, but if you read the news, the US military has a reputation of raping innocent civilians from ages as young as 8-up (and sometimes, brutally killing them after). This is prevalent in Korea, Vietnam, Philippines, Iraq, Afghanistan, etc. Aside from that, the decent US military women are being sexually harassed and oftentimes, raped by their colleagues or even by higher ranking officials. They say, a female soldier is more likely to be raped by an ally, than killed by the enemy.

Apart from that, some recruits are being subjected to hazing, sometimes, after deployment. Hazing might involve acts which may be sexual in nature. I have heard testimonials from those who underwent hazing, that some men and women are being forced to simulate sexual acts / or maltreated. Sometimes, it's a simple "dare", like leading a recruit to go to a whore house (which introduces him to this habit). His new group of friends, sometimes of higher ranks, might even teach them the habit of talking ill of their own wives. I know, this is prevalent, because I "almost" dated somebody from the military, who I later found out to be married.

Now, people who went through this might not openly discuss it with anyone, because of the trauma / shame this experience had inflicted on them. Effects on the individual might vary, he might be one of the jerks who would fall into sexual addiction, or he might leave the military after the shameful experience (like my friend who was hazed), and in some rare cases, a handful are optimistic to rise into ranks in hopes of changing the system.

Many of these stories are left...untold. Even if the abused victims try to seek justice, well guess what, the government will release these criminals WITHOUT CHARGES.

THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE SYSTEM.

HOW COULD THE US GOVERNMENT CONDONE SUCH SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS AND CRIMES TO EXIST?!

As for girls, if you're dating somebody in the military, I recommend that you get to know him WELL. Get to know their friends too. Pay CLOSE ATTENTION, especially when it comes to their behaviour.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

GoingCrazy-- It will take some time, but it will be worth it to work through the issues you are having. Counseling may help. Thank you so much for your kind words. All I have done is share my own story, and hope that it helps someone else.

GoingCrazy 7 months ago

By the way, thank you for sharing your story and for responding to all of these

Comments. You're doing an amazing thing & impacting many lives. I'm sure I'm not the only

One who appreciates having someone to relate to & you're advice is great.

GoingCrazy 7 months ago

I honestly think that you're right. This woman isn't worried about us or what she did to our family. She's not even worth me wondering about. Like you said, she's trash. I just have to work on my marriage with him & forgive him. It will take time & he's trying everything he can to make this work. Not a day goes by that he doesn't feel guilty or apologize for his actions. The hardest part is accepting that he's not perfect and that he would stoop to that level. But I

might as well work it out with him. I love him. And if I were to leave him because of my pride, there's no telling what the next guy would do--could be worse-- and he might not feel bad enough to tell me.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

moonlake-- I agree...spending time in bars is a large part of the problem. I admit I didn't handle my problem in the best way I could have. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

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moonlake Level 7 Commenter 7 months ago

I think some of the big problems with military wives and husbands is the hanging out in bars. In my opinion if your not with your husband you shouldn't be in a bar. Find a hobbie something to do to keep you busy that does not include bars. This kind of thing is not exclusive to military. Your husband was so wrong and the whole story is very sad.

I agree military life is hard but it's what you make of it.

Good hub and thanks for sharing your life.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

GoingCrazy-- I know how you feel, I wanted to meet the women my ex cheated on me with. One I knew, the others I didn't. It won't bring you the closure you need. It really won't. If you do find her, you will look at her, talk to her, and more and more questions will pop into your head. It will only give you more questions and it won't solve anything for you.

christine-- I am glad that you found this. If you do end up getting into the military, at least you will go in with your eyes open. If you do not, maybe you are right, maybe it is for the best. Maybe there is another plan for you and your family. I cannot answer that. All I can say, instead of mourning this dead end, keep your eyes and heart open to other possibilities. Best wishes for you and your family.

christine 7 months ago

my husband applied for the navy a couple of weeks ago, we found out this week that he wouldn't get in due to a past violation (one and only), and because they are over staffed right now. We were both crushed, he had a hard day at work and I couldn't stop the tears before my daughter was due to wake up from her nap. We were looking for this to be a leg up in our situation, it feels like everything we try to do to better ourselves gets shot down. As of tonight the future looks pretty bleak... i know i can't compose my whole future on one thought in one night, but sometimes it seems hopeless.

I was looking for some confirmation or answers, I guess just something to let me know that our efforts are not in vain and that there is a reason for everything. I was truly starting to believe that God had this cosmic plan to make sure we suffer or something, but i think this gave me a little of what i needed to hear. The days awaiting that phone call I was preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best, I was preparing to not see my husband at all, but that everything would be fine and possibly even fun. I would have been that nieve navy wife that didn't know what she was really walking into and would go about her day thinking that the naval base is the most safe place to be in the world and that everyone except for the handful of stupid people was faithful. Now i see that even the couples who have that awesome relationship find it difficult to not have those nights with each other. I can see how easily tempted someone can be.

My father-in-law was 21 years deep in the navy, retired sr. chief, he kept telling us that its a hard life, but i always brushed it off with an 'i know that' or 'thats not the problem' or 'i'm willing to make it work and spend that kind of time away from my husband to ensure a better future for our daughter and a better retirement for us' I was all ready to buy the 'navy gear' (shirts that say navy on them and sweatpants that i thought were cool just because they had 'our team' plastered on the leg and even a navy onsie for the little one) i was one of those girls in high school that may not have went to all the football games but when spirit week came around i was decked out in school colors so you could only imagine what my house, my daughter and myself would have looked like if he had gotten into the navy.

now insted of thinking 'the navy is a good decision why wouldn't God want us to be in (even with a dismissed felony if God wants it to happen it will happen, so i say God would or would not want us to do it) he being the ultimate being he is would surly see that joining the military is a great service to your country and to him so why would he keep someone so willing away from that. and now i understand maybe this was the something more that he was thinking about that we failed to look at. maybe its just not right for us. It is so hard to admit that because we both wanted him in so bad.

You should definatly go with writing a book. There are t.v. shows and blogs and things but you really don't get a good look at the real time military life unless your in it and at that i can see how it would be hard to tell someone like me the 100% truth about it because you don't want to crush them, but at the same time you want to give them the whole truth. I think a book would benifit more people than you think. You should be 100% honest about everything not just from the perspective of the spouse at home, but from the soldier/sailors perspective as well, i'm sure it would be a big read but i am all about it and i'm sure a lot of people would be, especially those young women whose fiances and husbands are thinking about the military. some of them don't know the whole truth becuase it can be very nasty but they need to know just like there should be a sign at the start of a ghetto that says "you are now entering the ghetto, it is in your best interest to leave any personal belongings, money, gold, espensive shoes and the rims off your tires alot of streets away from where you are now and if you must pass through for any reason at all don't look at anybody just drive."

Bottom line is your story helped me i think a lot more than i'm willing to admit, your should most definatly write a book, there should be more people that are willing to tell the truth about the military like you and i'm glad you were able to find peace and harmony for your life.

Thank you for sharing!

Goingcrazy 7 months ago

Thank u for that. I know he really is a good person & a great husband. I guess that's why it's so hard to understand how he could have made this mistake. And sometimes I do want to look for this woman, I don't know why. Maybe to make sure she's not pregnant, maybe to see what she looks like. Maybe it's my own insecurities. I am a grudge holder, I always have been. I wonder how to forgive and not disgust myself with details. How do I trust him when he's on a 9 month deployment with plenty of aroused men & women? How do I know she won't end up being deployed with him?

Goingc , 7 months ago

Sometimes I wonder if I should try to find her

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

GoingCrazy-- I can understand how you feel. At least he is sorry for what he did. He is honestly torn up over it. If he feels this bad about what he did, I doubt that he is likely to do it again. The woman he was with, well...she's just trash, plain and simple. He made a mistake and is genuinely sorry for it. Most guys aren't. He sounds like he really is a great husband, who just made a mistake.

happyatlast-- I am glad that you have found happiness. I agree that it is amazing what the military turns a blind eye to.

happyatlast 7 months ago

I married my highschool sweetheart right after he got out of Navy bootcamp. He cheated and lied and when we divorced he refused to pay child support until my lawyer (a former JAG)got in touch with the office of the Sec of Navy and they basically tore a few off of his CO. Its many years later and I live in another country and watch the US ships that come in once a year for exercises and it amazes me what the navy covers its eyes to .

Goingcrazy 7 months ago

My husband is a Seabee in the navy reserves. This small group of men & women don't deploy on ships, they work on land performing construction jobs. He's actually getting deployed next year to afghanistan. Anyway, we're high school sweethearts. Been together for 7 years, married for 3 & have a 2 year old son. We've always had such a strong bond & could tell each other anything. So many ppl think we are perfect, even i believed it. Well he leaves once a year for 2 wks for annual training. he would have beers with some of his friends after class. He was in another state, I never bugged him, I trusted him. Well 3 wks ago, he was so sick, vomiting every where. I took him to the hospital. As we are waiting to be seen, something is different. I ask him what's wrong and he tells me he needs help. He wants to check himself into the hospital for depression & thoughts of suicide. He had been hitting himself for 3 months. I ask him why? What could possibly be that wrong? We have such a perfect relationship & are happy, go lucky people. It's out of our nature to be depressed. He breaks down and said he cheated on me during the 2 wks that he was in training in another state. He said they were all hanging out in the hotel lobby of where they were staying. Drinking beer, talking crap. Some men start to talk crap about their wives & how they never wanna have sex, that it's because their wives are cheating on them. He began to get angry, because theres times I wouldn't want to have sex because I was tired from nursing school & our son. Well he goes to his room, after hearing all these thoughts, says goodnight to me & off to sleep we go--or so I thought. Later that night, one of the girls that was hanging out with them, knocks on his hotel room door, he opens it, she pulls him in & starts hugging him and kissing him. Whips out a condom & there u have it. They do the deed & he starts freaking out afterwards, telling her he messed up & he cheated on his wife. She says its ok, to relax & leaves. So here I am, dealing with a husband betrayed me, destroyed my trust. He doesn't even know the girls name. She's in the military, but he had only seen her that night when they were all drinking. So I can't even confront this skank. He doesn't know what state she's from or anything about her. He said he saw her the next day when they were all going to class & she walked by & said hey. Like nothing had happened. He's so disgusted with himself, he won't even touch me. I'm

So angry, and I hate him. But then i think, how would

I have found out? He came to

Me & told me...I had no idea. He says he soooo sorry, he won't ever do it again. He feels so guilty.He says wont drink again either without me being there. He even confessed it to my parents. Saying that he didn't only disrespect me, he disrespected them. What do I do? This chick new he was married but didn't care. I wish she would have chosen a single

Guy but I wish more that he would have stopped!!!!

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 7 months ago

Mattox-- While what you did was wrong, it seems as if you realize that. I can't say for sure if she is cheating on you or not. She may be, but then, she may just be very upset. I can tell you that she is struggling with trust issues. Even if nothing physical happened between you and those girls, it is still a issue with her. She sees it as you wanting to cheat, or looking to find something somewhere that you don't think she is giving you. It is damaging to her pride and her self-esteem.

MATTOX 7 months ago

I NEVER CHEATED ON MY WIFE . I WROTE A COUPLE GIRLS WHILE I WAS ONA LONG DEPLOYMENT . SHE FOUND THEM AND SAID SHE CANT FORGIVE ME AND IM A CHEATER. IM ON DEPLOYMENT NOW AGAIN AND SHE ALL OF A SUDDEN BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN . AND WANTED TO LEAVE ME. BUT NOW SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME BUT BARLEY WILL TALK TO ME . I THINK SHE IS CHEATING ON ME TO GET BACK AT ME. I AM A GOOD MAN I MADE A MISTAKE BUT NEVER CHEATED . DO YOU THINK SHES CHEATING ON ME OR JUST STILL UPSET WITH ME? ANYONE?

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 8 months ago

Lt. Stevens-- So, it's OK for a service member to cheat because they are under more stress? That really isn't fair. And when I was cheated on, he was not in a high stress environment or situation. He was on a training exercise, put up in a hotel, going out every night. And, I don't think you understand the stress it puts on the spouse left behind. Having to take on role of mother and father in the absence of the service member, having to basically become a single parent, forced to deal with everything that once was shared by two people. Add to that the stress of worrying about your spouse. Finding out he had been cheating on you for years, wondering if he is doing the same thing again. There is only so much a person can take.

Lt. Stevens. 8 months ago

My dearest Ms. Bowman;

You have my deepest sympathies in regards to your situation. However, as a servicemember who has been deployed and betrayed from afar, I believe it is my duty to educate the followers of this thread as to the plight of the serviceman/woman.

In no way am I advocating the independency of a deployed servicemember, nor am I condoning the actions of any connected spouse. Rather, I believe it is my duty to lay to rest the fears of any separated couple.

As someone who has been betrayed by the person whom (s)he has placed the most faith (and I know I am not the only one here), I believe a certain degree of clemency must be afforded, lest bad blood be the standard for servicemembers returning from the field. As is true of any long-term separation, attentions wander, whether these attentions are acted upon or not. In the case of anyone deployed to an AOO, support of those left at home is paramount to both mental and physical success. When those people who are fighting for their lives (who, for the large part have no interest nor desire greater than to return home) are suddenly blind-sided by those they left behind, who feel a (comparatively) slight sense of abandonment and loneliness, the overall effectiveness of the unit suffers. While this does affect the utility of the unit, special attention must be paid to the psyche of that individual servicemember who was so affected.

Yes, perhaps your significant other may have committed a single or multiple infidelities. However, this was most likely done under a period of extreme stress any civilian will be unable to understand. You must, however, be cognizant of the fact that most spouses left behind quite often remain in the realm of civilian luxury and indifference. They are very seldom forced to confront the reality of front-line combat. The stress of any combat experience teaches the value of close support, whether that support takes form of military structure or intimate contact.

No matter the form psychological support takes, it relatively seldom results in servicemembers betraying the trust of their spouses/significant others left behind. The same can NOT be said, however, of those left in noncombat areas. According to Stevens (et all) as well as Johnson & Abraham, civilian counterparts incur a much higher risk of committing infidelity than the servicemembers to whom they are 'attached' to.

In accordance, I would ask that anyone not directly involved in combat operations be indulgent of those who are. While I am not advocating the free-reign of either servicemember or civilian, I AM calling for an understanding between the two. A civilian may never understand the pressures and stresses of a combat position, in the same way that a servicemember may never understand the stress of feeling 'abandoned'. As such, I believe that it is crucial to the maintenance of Western society that there be a balanced understanding between the two groups. Whether that understanding may take the form of complete trust or mutual acceptance, a waypoint must be reached which allows a servicemember to leave his/her family without fear of infidelity, while at the same time allowing the civilian to place trust in their servicember to remain loyal while deployed in a potentially deadly AOO.

Believe me, it is not merely those which are left behind who suffer. Servicemembers in any AOO are subjected to stresses that may never be experienced by any civilian. And having betrayal forced upon one of these servicemembers, who have nothing to cling to besides family ties and military discipline, is at least, if not more so, devastating than a betrayal of a civilian left in the relative comfort of a non-combat area.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

A concerned airman.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 8 months ago

Skye-- I had no idea about apl. de. ap. Thank you for sharing that information, and for bringing to light the great work that the Pearl S. Buck Foundation does.

Skye Bennett Corpuz 8 months ago

Sorry had to edit the last part:

"apl.de.ap is one of the illegitimate children abandoned by the military men stationed here"

-just to make it clear.

Skye Bennett Corpuz 8 months ago

By the way, some former classmates of mine in college worked in an organization for helping out former bar girls. There's also a lot of illegitimate children who never knew who their daddy is, or some do not get any financial support at all. The legitimate family sometimes never finds out. apl.de.ap from the black eyed peas is one of them.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 8 months ago

Skye-- Thank you for your story. I often wondered what it was like for foreign women dealing with American military members. Your story is interesting. I have met several women from other countries who have married American military men, but none that were flings, or affairs. I respect your integrity and your spirit. I wish there were more women like you in the world. Thank you for sharing your own perspective.

Skye Bennett Corpuz 8 months ago

Thank you for this story. I am not a military wife, but I am an educated and decent Filipina lady. I have to state my nationality, because a lot of military men from the US has a false assumption that women from the Philippines will willingly throw themselves into white military men. It is only the uneducated, desperate and impoverished prostitutes who would do that. Indirectly, these actions and assumptions are quite racist and sexist. That's why I'm aware of the cheating that happens in the military.

I have made it a point to this American soldier, who was making advances to me. At first, he seemed like a nice guy. He was talking about his little boy from his previous relationship, telling me how beautiful I am, etc. He even complimented me for my chastity and dissed American women for being whores. Ironically, he insists that I do the same things that he had experienced from them. He eventually forced me to send him provocative pictures, to meet him in a certain hotel, etc. Yes, he's a pervert, but a smooth talking and charming pervert. I'm happy I never fell for it. I have never granted his requests of showing parts of my body or doing anything physical with him.

I trusted my gut. For a certain period, I investigated a few parts of his life by snooping around. From what I had noticed in conversations between him and his military friends, they are seemingly hiding an inside secret.

And then there is this particular beautiful and caring American lady who I believe, is the "official" girl. From what I can see, she is currently very grateful of the attention he's getting from this soldier. She really misses him, but she's being showered with gifts sent by this guy.

I immediately felt sorry for her. The painful part is, this guy's colleagues are laughing behind her back, and giving this guy a "wink-nudge" signal. Being the good girl that I am, I have never attempted to steal her man, because I would not want the same thing to happen to me. I even notified her of what he had been doing. Hopefully, she will wake up someday and accept the truth.

American soldiers, wake up! You are tarnishing the reputation of the army. Have respect to both American and non-American women.

Bitter 8 months ago

I def don't want to seek "revenge" in that way. That would make me a cheater. I wouldn't do that to my daughters. He says he is willing to go to counseling, but he is dragging his feet. I know that is the only way we'll make it.

I just pray for strength at this point...

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 8 months ago

bitter-- I know the feeling. There would be days when my ex was so sweet, loving, making promises, and we got along great...then there were other times when the environment was so toxic, I swear I was going to lose it. If he isn't willing to deal with the issue, and wants to just act like it never happened, that makes things much harder for you. You can't let it go as easily as he can, because you are the one that got hurt. Part of that may be because he is ashamed, part may be because of potential repercussions for his actions. Either way, it makes it that much harder for you to really move on together as a couple. It would make things easier if he could feel what you are feeling, but there's only one way to do that, and that is to do to him, what he did to you. And, truthfully, that does more harm than good. I wish you all the best.

bitter 8 months ago

Yes they were prostitutes. Like I said I didn't find out the facts until 7 1/2 months after his return. I was so angry! Not only for the cheating, but the fact that he wasn't man enough to tell me right away. Believe me, I had him get tested right away! Luckily we are both o.k.

Do I see myself growing old with him? Sure, on a good day. We have days where we laugh and get along great. Then there are those days when I can't stand the sight of him.

We haven't gone to therapy, partly because he just wants to move on and he doesn't want anyone to know he was unfaithful. Sweep it under the rug. That's how he was raised. I on the other hand, am a problem solver. Not sure what to. No one knows what happened with my marraige so I have no support. Sometimes I wish he could feel what I'm feeling.

Thank you for your response.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 8 months ago

bitter-- I understand how you feel. All those questions that run through your mind. By "bar girls" I assume you mean prostitutes, especially how she referred to it as "just business". If that were the case, why would the continue to communicate by email? That is rather strange, but then, there is a lot I don't know about how things are done in regards to that industry. Concerns over forgiving him are perfectly natural. I felt the same way. I forgave him once, he did it again, and it felt as if because I forgave him once, it gave him a free pass to do it again. I can't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is take some time, try to clear your mind of all the emotions attached with everything and really look at the situation. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone, sometimes it only makes things worse. What you really need to ask yourself is if you can still see yourself growing old with this person, whether you see yourself forgiving him, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. If you answer 'yes' to both of these questions, then try and work it out. Go to counseling, meet with a pastor, whatever works for both of you. If you answered 'no', then there is no real way the marriage can continue healthily. It is up to you to decide those things for yourself. I can't answer that for you. My best wishes to you and your children. I hope, either way you decide, that you find happiness.

bitter 8 months ago

Thank you for writing this.

I found out a year ago that my dh cheated with four "bar girls" overseas. I have never been the type of woman who snooped in emails, or checked phone texts. That day I was bored, and looked at his emails not really expecting to see anything. Boy was I wrong! It was communication bwtn him and one of the girls. Nothing sexual, but it didn't sit right with me. This was June, about two weeks before his return. It wasn't until Feb that the whole truth came out about her plus three other women.

I have been devestated ever since.

I have been trying to get through this, but it is hard. I don't look at him the same way anymore. How could he do this after over a decade together? Has it happened before this? Since? These are the questions that kill me inside. He says he wasn't in his right mind, aka... drunk.

I forgot to mention that I communicated with the woman and she confessed, apologized and said it was "just business".

My dh claimes he would never do this again, and doesn't want to lose me or the kids. I want to believe him, but I don't. I think about it practically everyday. I haven't forgiven him. Not even close. I'm afraid if I do, he'll think he got away with it.

Any advice?

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 8 months ago

Flo-- I am glad you found this story as well. And while I appreciate the offer, I am a terrible pen pal. I really am. Considering I am a writer, you would think it would be quite the opposite. I will keep your email address, and write if I can.

FloSids 8 months ago

Hi Anna,

I would like to thank you a gilizion for sharing me the useful story of your life being an army wives. I thank GOD i found your blog after a desperate search in the net for a millitary penpals web i wanted to search as i was planning to have penpals (with possibility of romance and married) from army. I am a fans of man in uniform.

You are right, not everyone is the same, but looking at the pattern, i think there will always a big opportunity to have an affair in that kind of environment.

Thank you once again for sharing such a useful story for us, women.

I wish you will finally getting a family of your dream. Say hello to the girls back at home. I would like to be your friends, if you dont mind. My email is: tiur.flora@danamon.co.id. Please write me if you can...

Take care and God bless you always

Flo

of Jakarta, Indonesia

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 8 months ago

To the person who registered a comment using the name, "Spray". I deleted the comment you posted. I did not delete it because I disagreed with what you said. I deleted it because I will not have profanity on my page. Even in a comment, it negatively affects me, and I cannot have that. If you have something to say, I am sure there are ways to do it without resorting to foul language and name-calling.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 8 months ago

ADinJapan-- I agree that it takes two to make a relationship work. It does no good if one person is doing all the work, and the other isn't committed to making the relationship work.

XA-- You are smart for distancing yourself from the drama. But don't shut people out who can be there to help you out. It helps to have a core group of friends who you can rely on. I would not have handled everything as well if it hadn't been for the few friends that I did have. I made a few great friendships that I have maintained to this day.

XA 8 months ago

I hear you. Ive been a military spouse for four years. I hasn't been easy.Alot of ups and downs, alot of doubts, thinking if that was a real training or just a lie. It is like very protected among them guys. Probably because they all have their own dirty little secrets. To be honest Ive never wanted to hang around other military spouses from the same unit. It creates dramma and alot of jealousies. AT fisrt I really wanted to, I was younger and wanted friends, but I learned and saw from others how despiteful some can be. I prefer to keep it from as far as I can. The truth there will always be someone that wants to do wrong. Sometimes it makes you wonder if your spouse actually loves you or just pretends to love you for the money. I enjoyed reading your story. Very true everything you said. It is unfortunate what happened to you, I hope yourhappier now and look back at this as a learning experience. best of luck to you.

ADinJapan 12 months ago

Thanks for the response Anne... those questions toward the end were geared toward your readers and hopefully stimulate questions on those currently in relationships with service members and because those are conflicts my wife and I have been going through. Hope is only lost when you expect there to be none. Relationships CAN last but it takes both sides to make it work. One of my former OICs once told me, "Listen, worrying about your spouse cheating is not something you can control... you can't force someone to stay in love or stay married. Do the best you can and if it doesn't work out you know inside that you tried your best." Good luck on your future/current relationships. Not all military men/women are bad after all :)

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 13 months ago

ADinJapan-- Wow!! Thank you for that! You shed some light on some of the things I didn't cover. I think after reading this, I really do need to extend this, write another hub, or start work on that book. So many things you said brought back so much. I did try to connect with him after his first (very brief) deployment. It didn't do a lot of good. By the time he headed off for his second deployment, he had already cheated. I think you are missing something. Either the chronology of it all, or whatever. Either way, you do bring up some valid points, and do shed some light on the other side of things. I appreciate it. Best of luck to you, and thank you for writing this, and for all that you do to serve our country. God bless!

ADinJapan 13 months ago

Hi Anne... I think your story sheds at least some light on how rough marriage in the military can be. Being active duty myself (and in a very strong marriage for 6 years with a prior service member herself), I just wanted to give my opinion... 'from the other side of the table' so to speak:

- We (meaning military guys and gals from here on) know our spouses get bored while we are at work but it doesn't help the situation when the spouse goes out for drinks with the girls. I'll explain shortly.

- We know which of our fellow service members are trying to hook up with spouses... it's not that hard to fingerprint them... and we know their tactics (usually those people like to brag about how they scored with 'some stupid mil wife'). It's disgusting but unless we have proof there is really nothing that can be done to these people. It's not really against the UCMJ for single men to sleep with married civ women... sad but true. Most of the time they go to bars and try to find the depressed, lonely, low self-esteem wife... and usually, more often then not, the guy ends up hooking up with a girl.

- We do get jealous that our spouses have such strong support at home and are able to go out and have fun. We want them to live their lives but at the same time, we are often putting our lives at stake wishing for a break or to be there with our loved ones. When we hear about our wives going out for drinks we know what kind of 'company' they are going to be commingling with and it stirs questions and emotions... valid or not. The ABSOLUTE worst thing that goes through our minds when we are on deployment is to hear how lonely and depressed our guys/girls are back home and is going to try to go out with friends to relax... knowing that some dirtbag is going to stalk OUR spouses like prey.

- Finally, trust alone will not stop your spouse from making a mistake... on both ends I might add. Active communication is the key. You say that friend tried to kiss you... did you tell your spouse? Did you ever develop feelings or flirted with some of the guys hitting on you, intentionally or not? When you realized how many guys tried to hit on you... did you stop going out for drinks or try to avoid places those guys hang out at or did you blindly believe you had enough willpower? Obviously your ex had issues and I have seen this situation happen on the other side SO many times in my prior commands (thankfully my new command is great and supportive of each others' marriages). Often, it is the military spouse who feels abandoned by their family and spouse. They come home only to find that their family is able to function without them. Wives become cold to their men because they felt abandoned. When your husband came home, how many times did you find a sitter for your child and went on a date with your husband? How many times did you find someone to watch your child so once your guy had a day off, you could at least attempt to have a romantic day together, only the two of you? All too often do women feel that they need to be wooed... men need that same attention. I can't speak with all certainty, but most military men that cheat either 1. Had no intention of actually being faithful or 2. Had their attention rejected by their spouse for so long they attempt to develop an intimate (not necessarily sexual or physical) bond with whomever will accept their attention.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 13 months ago

Kris-- I know what it's like waiting on your spouse to come home, and being so excited to see them, and they are too tired to even look at you. It may just be that. What they do is hard work. Seeing that you just moved, I would look into ways to get involved around there. They have spouse groups, classes, and all sorts of things for you to do. It would be a great way to keep yourself busy. I hope things are going well, and that your fears are unfounded. Best wishes to you!

Kris 13 months ago

I just met my wife n she is in the navy for 9 years so I have no idea what to expect but the things you where talking about hit home.. I have no friends family or anything!! We just moved to new state n she is always gone.. When she comes home I'm so excited like a woman but she always tired or what not which throws me also!! But after reading this lol I must say I'm a little shaky I must say when usually on gender it's the other way around!! The plus in your story is you atleast could talk to someone, me it just me n my daughter!! It's almost as if I'm losing my man hood.. Just reading your story brought me alot closer to things n my mind.. So I just wanna say thanks for being a friend threw your words!!

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 14 months ago

Remlit-- Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate hearing the other side of the story. Your story is similar to what my ex did. He lied and told the women that he wasn't married. His friends kept his secret, and supported him. I can understand how you feel. Betrayal is betrayal, whether you have been married for years, or just recently met. He sounds like a real jerk, and at least you found out before it got too far. I know even after a short time you can become emotionally invested, and it hurts when someone does something like that to you. I was angry with the women he had affairs with, but after realizing so much about how he lied to them as much as he did me, I felt bad for them. One person can cause so much damage, it's astounding.

Remlit 14 months ago

You know I almost feel like the bad guy on here, but felt drawn to share with the wives of the men that go on these 2 week trainings out of state.

I met a man at a local bar that me and a friend of mine stopped in at to get a drink after work. He was in town for a couple weeks and as we talked and danced I became very interested. There were about 60 of them staying at this hotel down the road. There were men left and right picking off women at this bar, taking them back to the rooms, many were wearing rings. He asked if I wanted to go back to the hotel for a drink and to hang out. I had to refuse... I did not want him to get the wrong idea, and the last thing I needed was to get attached to a man that was going to leave soon. I gave him my number we kissed and I left with my friend.

The next evening he asked if I could go out. It was very late, so I said no... He then called and we talked for six hours. We covered everything. We talked about family, our past, our mistakes and desires, failed relationships and so on... After that phone call... I really could not wait until the next evening when we got to go out. We spent almost every night together after that. We really connected. We would sit and talk for hours, We danced, We laughed, we talked about stuff that neither of us would ever want repeated. We had a great time together... we got very emotional, and yes, we were very physical! He was wonderful... His friends were very sweet and supportive of us always being together. I was dreading the morning that he was going to have to leave. It was hard saying goodbye to him, but that was all I could do. He kissed me and had been so sweet the night before about leaving. He promised me it would not be that long before we could see each other again. I was given hugs from his friends and it just tore me up to know that this maybe coming to an end before it was ever allowed to really start.

The entire day I was so sad. I was so worried about loosing this guy that was so perfect for me. They had an 11-12 hour trip home. I sent him a simple text that night telling him I hope he had made it home safe and that I already missed him. The next morning he started texting me pretty early. He was in a frisky mood. He was egging me on to talk about our time together and so on... I played along. Two hours later he called me. I was so excited to get to hear his voice and tell him how crazy it was that I missed him the way I did. He was quite and distant. I asked him if he was ok. He told me he called to tell me that our time together was a mistake and that he had been married for 5 years. She was also on the phone and informed me that she was the one that had been texting me all morning. I could not say anything else and hung up.

I was mortified! Putting aside that I just shared all my intimate details with a complete stranger- that was his wife. I could not believe someone could be that selfish and cruel. This all happened two weeks ago and I am still pretty messed up about it. The part that hurts the most was that not only did he lie in the beginning when I asked him if he was married, but every single one of his friends made it seem like he was a single man, even the men wearing rings, the entire time.

I question myself... how did he fool me for so long? Never once did I think he was married. Not once did I feel like this man was not being 100% real with me.

I feel horrible about being played! I feel horrible that all that time we spent together probably meant nothing to him. I was more than likely just a playing piece in his game... but I equally feel horrible for this woman I do not know that more than likely trusted that her husband and his friends were all being faithful. I am just sick about it. I wish I could say I was sorry and tell her that if I would have known I would have NEVER done that to her. I am not sure I will ever be able to shake this filthy feeling ...

I never realized that this was more common than not. I suppose the one comforting thing was I was sure she let him have it... but now, after reading this, it probably was swept under the rug. That is upsetting that something like what happened with us can go on and they do not really worry about it. They think that more than likely they will say sorry and it will not happen again and all will be forgiven. I just cannot believe it!! I suppose we all live and learn. I know how bad this experience has made me feel... I could not even begin to imagine the pain that you had to deal with.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 15 months ago

Christina-- Feel free to use the hub as part of your essay. I agree, being in the military, and being a military wife is truly a subculture. Especially if you live on base. That brings a whole host of other issues and adventures. It's like living in a really controlled and organized small town. LOL

ChristinaLynn 15 months ago

I am an army wife with a husband currently deployed. IS it ok if I use this hub as a part of my essay that I am writing. I am writing an essay on how being a military wife is a subculture. My husband is in the national guard but my teacher wants me to write about being an ACTIVE duty wife. I am only an active duty wife when he is deployed, on his one weekend a month deal, or two weeks in the summer. This would help my paper a lot! christinaharrington0501@gmail.com

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 15 months ago

Linda-- Thank you very much!! It is an incredibly difficult job that I did as well as I could. Thank you again!

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lindatymensky 15 months ago

Thank you for serving this country as a spouse of an active military soldier. Very few people realize how difficult it is for spouses - little money, long separations, etc. Whatever happened, you have reason to be proud of your contribution to this country. Thank you. Linda

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 16 months ago

Marie-- Thank you so much!! I had never thought of turning this into a book. I might just do that. There is so much more to the story, and so much more I could say. Thank you again. I will be sure to include a thank you note to you for inspiring me. Sadly, sometimes we never really know what someone will do, has done, or what they are capable of. Time may give you the answers you need, I hope it does.

Marie 16 months ago

You should write a book... Even though it's a sad sorry I wanted more and it was so well written, plus I could relate a lil bit. Ive caught my husband doing stupid stuff but not going as far as cheating... Or may be he has an I just don't know :-( but I hate thinking about it, it makes me feel depressed an asking him might not give me the real answer. Only time will tell I guess so for now I'll just reep the benefits :-P

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 16 months ago

Karla-- Reading your story brought back so much that I thought I had left in the past. Thank you for sharing. I can't tell you how your story will turn out or tell you what to do. I know that he could have saved you a lot of pain if he had been honest with you right away. Nothing can change that. Sadly, the people they serve with are all too willing to keep their secrets. I can only tell you that you are far stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you to trust your instincts. It seems that they were right on target. I know how you feel, but I do promise you that it will get better in time.

Blue-- It seems that so many people have stories similar to mine. I imagine they got into a little trouble when the girl turned up pregnant. It's kind of hard to lie your way out of that. I feel for you and your child. It is worse when there are children involved. Because not only is he hurting you, but he is also hurting your child. Strange that you mentioned Elgin...I know the town. I have some family out that way.

Blue 16 months ago

I went through the same thing, but my ex got her pregnant while they where station in Afghanistan. What hurts the most I was home all this time with our child, praying he would come home safe to us. But know he is home with them in Elgin IL.

Karla 16 months ago

I went looking for some insight and some empathy...found exactly what I was looking for. The story sounds much like what I found out yesterday. We've married for going on three years and he just told me he cheated while in A school. I had suspected it then and questioned him about many of the females there too...apparently I never asked about the right one so it wasn't a "lie", lol! His friend had done the same to his girlfriend and my husband recorded them asleep in the friends quarters (against the rules, but no one was paying attention?) he kept his friend secret so why shouldn't I think he would do it do me! He was there for school from mid april until early july and I drove from our home state to where he was over 400 miles away 5 times to see him leaving our daughter at home with my mom. All the while he had been going out to bars partying in hotel rooms and one night he decided to sleep with one of the females in school there too!!! Wtf! I had lost all my baby weight, looked and felt better than ever to keep me happy and keep him loving me...or so I thought. he told me she saw me at one of my visits and came to him to apologize afterwards...why not apologize to wife whose life you screwed up! I nearly joined at the same time but learned i was pregnant and would be stationed somewhere else because of the job i considered taking in the military...glad I didn't now. I had guys hit on me try to kiss me and i turned them down thinking MY MAN wouldn't do that to me. his brother's fiance had cheated and he told him about it with reluctance...now it's clear why, because he done the same and didn't want to tell me. In fact he didn't tell me until 3 years later. It doesn't change the fact that I love him still and it's a fresh wound...but how do I carry on from this, how do i trust him now when i didn't then and turned out i was right not too. we got married since he cheated and even got pregnant just before he deployed...he could have told me a long time ago and let me decide hwat my life could have been like. now here i am waiting on him if we really will divorce because he says we are done. i thought he loved me, that god had shown me he was the man that would make me feel like i was the only girl he ever wanted and loved...is it all a lie now?

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 17 months ago

bettybb-- Your story makes me smile and warms my heart. It's great to hear stories where things work out the way they are supposed to. Congrats to all your success!!! I am doing much better now than I had ever dreamed possible. I am with a wonderful man, now, and we are going to be married soon. He is the man I have always dreamed of and so much more. Thank you for asking.

bettybb 17 months ago

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you went through a horrible ordeal. I'm so sorry that you experienced such pain and betrayal. I think you made the right choice in leaving him. That ex-husband of yours would never stop cheating. He sounds like he has a problem with sexual addiction and needs professional help.

I see that you posted this article a couple of years ago. How are you doing now?

My husband was in the military for 12 years. Neither of us have ever cheated. We've been married now for nearly 30 years. I guess we were lucky. He also didn't go on many deployments for some reason and so he didn't have many opportunities to cheat. But we were always a very close couple, and I don't think he ever had a desire to cheat.

jess 17 months ago

I just found out 7 yrs to late. My husband was on his first deployment when he hurt me so badly. I knew something was wrong this cold lonely night. He was part of a 3 way. Ugh.... my question is how do I forgive such a pig. I'm so upset about this and he said he did nothing wrong. Ugh!!! 12 yrs we have been together. Now I say I'm done.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 17 months ago

Deedee1-- Wow! First of all, thank you for sharing your story. I know what you are going through. All the lies and stories that make no sense. I can't say for sure, obviously, but from what you have told me, it sounds as if he is cheating, or at least playing around with the idea. I would talk to him, confront him. If he denies it, which he will, most likely, maybe you can talk to someone he has gone on training with. People like that don't tend to be reliable, but maybe they can fill in some of the gaps for you. Best of luck to you.

deedee1 17 months ago

I am currently dealing with suspisions. My husband goes on out of state training all the time. When he is here he is always at home with the family. However when he is gone, I constantly find numbers on the cell phone bill of women that he is calling or they are calling him. Most of the time he says it's work related. Sometimes he claims well they are the only one with a car so a group of us go out together. Just recently he called me after he went out with a group of soldiers to a bar/ bowling alley. He was so upset because a girl wanted someone to bowl with her and so being the nice guy he is he said he would, but she apparently went to get a drink and left him waiting for too long he noticed she was talking to a guy and got mad and left her stuff sitting, and went back to the group. She was upset he left her stuff so she left. He doesn't knoww how she got back to the hotel... WTF! Really, why first of all is he on a date, why is he upset she's talking to another guy, and why is he telling me? This is wayyy too weird. One other time I was suspicious he went on traing to Texas, he said he wasn't allowed to call home the whole time he was gone, when he got back, I noticed a number texting him constantly, I'm talking 50 texts in 3 hours. I confronted him he said it was a girl that was in the training, and she is just concerned about him, and thinks that they have alot in common, but she's married and it nothing ever happened. Then he had the girl call me and tell me I had nothing to worry about, so I told her anyone who texts and calls another girls husband that much does not have good intentions, and I wouldn't put up with it. Eventually I convinced him to tell her to stop calling, then I blocked her number from our phones. I really hope his is being faithful, and when he says I have nothing to worry about, I believe him, until today I was sitting in the tub, and it hit me all at once, you're an idiot, this is the exact same stuff that people hear and say all the time, it is never good. So I am going to confront him tonight, we'll see.

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Addilynn82 17 months ago

Anna Marie- I have actually, thank you. Also thank you for your concern.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 17 months ago

Addilynn-- I hope things are better for you now, and that you have moved past it all as much as I have.

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Addilynn82 17 months ago

Anna Marie, you are right, it is really sad how it all happens, that saying "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" comes to mind lol...My best friend has a child and is divorced too (not military) and I can see that her child is the best thing that happened to her also. I know if we did have a child, I wouldn't have regretted it either :)

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 17 months ago

Addilynn-- It really is sad how it all happens. Thank you for sharing your story. I imagine it would have been a lot easier had we not had a child, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I love my daughter very much, and she was the best thing about my marriage.

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Addilynn82 17 months ago

I came across your story just browsing the internet. It was very well written. It was almost the same thing that happened to me other than I did not move, nor did I try to work it out. I was married to an Army man myself. For 2 years; then I had found out that he had been cheating on me with so many different women throughout our marriage. It was heart breaking to find out. The part where you described your heart being ripped out of your chest really stood out to me. I know exactly how that feels. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy!...I too felt so naive after I had discovered how that world is. I will say what I am most thankful for is never having kids with him. I know that made things a lot easier and cleaner in our divorce...

Thank you again for sharing your story. I am glad to hear that you are doing so well now!

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 17 months ago

tom-- I hope this helps you in your paper. I am very happy now, thank you.

tom. 17 months ago

Hey I would like to thank you for your story. You came out and wrote the hardest thing to write, the truth. I came across this article while working on a final paper in a class of mine. Im performing a peice where a couples marriage is destroyed by the distance and things that occured while the male (my character) was in the military. You gave such great insight and used your language perfectly to get across your story. I'm sorry that things worked out the way they did, but I hope you are living healthy and happy now!

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 18 months ago

lost-- If his dad is a lawyer in another state and you have already filed he really can't represent him. There are different licensing issues across state lines. It is a conflict of interest, but not really. If I had lived in my home state when I got divorced, I would have had my uncle represent me. I am glad you are doing better, or at least seem to have a clearer picture before you.

lost 18 months ago

Anna - thank you, so far he has not done anything of that sort to get the other person in trouble. Though he has not been civil and did contact my mom about a month ago. I have dealt with him calling many names and him having a few of his buddies contact me and being verbally mean. I did take it to one of the higher ups and they told me to save all texts from them, and if they bothered me again to let them know. Now he is wanted to contest jurisdiction and have his dad be his attorney for the state that we are from. I have already filed and he has been served. So i know i am going to get a hold of someone and get more legal advice and see if he can. I really believe it will be conflict of interest if his dad represents him. He is just convinced that i am taking everything from him, the only thing he hasn't gotten are the dogs (because he has no place for them) and the tv. I gave him pretty much everything else he wanted. That and the money... he is bent over that. again i thank you for your story it helped me and I am hoping things will be better for me in the end. I didn't however keep most of the friends, they all chose his side and didn't see his faults and agree with him seeing someone else. while i was in the wrong, so i cut contact of with quite a few so called friends there. again thank you

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 18 months ago

Anonymous-- Thank you for sharing your story. As the child of divorce, I can certainly understand some of what you went through, and it does stay with you. I am glad you chose a different path for yourself. My best to you and your family! As far as when he was wanting to get me back, you might be right.

Anonymous 18 months ago

This was a great article showing the realism of what can and has happened way to often in the military, im not afraid to admit i got teary eyed when i read this story seeing i was once the child of a relationship that had faltered due to the military. Now I myself am in the military and so far everything is great with me and my wife, we both stay faithful, and i know i will never cheat and will never be capable of it due to the fact ive seen the hurt and pain it can cause, and it is a pain i wouldent even wish upon my worst enemy, and i refuse to replay the mistakes my father had made. I am glad everything is going well now and you are still close friends with your other friend, so it gave a sort of happy ending to this tragic tale.

I also wanted to add when he was trying to gain you back and saying you couldent hang out with your friends or go out and stuff, it probably wasent because he was trying to make it see like it was your fault, it was probably because he was afraid you would do the same to him, or cheat on him just to spite him,ive seen a few people do the same thing for that reason, i read that part and thought id just add in my 2 cents, idk if someone pointed that out already, but thought id point that out.(Being a military brat all my life, and now serving myself ive learned a great deal about these things)

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 19 months ago

Lost-- If he is emailing your mom, and she doesn't want to hear from him, you can threaten him with charges of harassment. If there is a restraining order in place, he is not allowed to contact anyone in an attempt to reach you, and as far as him trying to get the other person in trouble, he needs to meet the same burden of proof that you would need to get him in trouble. Just his suspicions, and even you admission are not really enough, because you can always deny it. He really needs proof in order to cause any real problems. I know, because my ex accused an innocent friend of mine, and because there was no proof of anything, nothing was done.

Lost 19 months ago

Thank you very much! Yea it just seems I can't just go on and be left alone. From what has happened in the recent week or so, he ended up emailing my mom and just wont stop. I just really hope that it does get better. I am stressed to the max with this whole thing. Not only that I am hoping he doesn't go through and try to ruin someone else's career just trying to get to me. It wont work, I don't even talk to this person anymore because of the fact his career is at stake, and that way i have time to heal and get through it. I really hope it does get better... I am tired and stressed.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 19 months ago

Lost-- All of this sounds very familiar. It will get better, I promise you! Let him say what he wants to his family, he's going to anyway, and they are more than likely going to side with him, anyway. Little you can say or do would change that. Just do what you need to do to make sure you are ok. It does get better, the hurt will go away. It takes time.

Lost 19 months ago

That is so sad that they have the authority to do that. I understand though as to where it comes from, but our statements do show that i have paid bills and kept up on all of that. I never just wiped out the accounts. If anything i tried working with him so that we could keep things together with out getting the command involved.He put the money back in, but it was to late because the base legal attorney had already sent the email. I kept up on everything, and made sure our bills were paid. I am just so frustrated that they could actually step in that much and do this. If anything he will be living better and I will be the one barely making it.

Another thing is that he seems that tainting my name to family and friends seems to benefit him. I know what i did was wrong, but I stayed true to him even when he did what he did to me. I am sorry, I just have a lot of emotions with all this and no one who has gone through it that I know. It like he waited for one little slip so he could get out of our marriage and then make me look like the bad person. That does hurt and is very much embarrassing to me. I am hoping that this will all go away someday so I can go on and live my life and be happy.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 19 months ago

Lost-- Unfortunately, they can. It makes sense if you think about it. Look at it from there perspective. They are there to protect those that they have in their command. There have been situations like yours where the spouse cleaned out the accounts and left their deployed spouse with no money to take care of the things they need to take care of, bailed on paying all the bills, and things like that. If he took out so much that you are unable to pay necessary bills, you may be able to get them to do something about that.

Lost 19 months ago

Thank you very much Anna. It really helps me have some hope here. I know that I have filed and I did go to legal for advice. My husband actually took money out and I contacted the attorney. He let the command know so now they are involved some. Problem is they are saying that what i spent to take out of the half BAH I am entitled to. So now i may not recieve anything until next month sometime. I have filed and once he gets back I will have him served so we can start the divorce process and be final in the 6 months time. It's all so confusing, I have no idea as to what i can do really. Even base legal hasn't been much help. It just seems the command is stepping in and telling him what he is to give me. Can they do that? How involved can the command get into this process? I am sorry, it's just no one can seem to give me any info really...

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 19 months ago

lost-- Your story is so similar to mine. My heart goes out to you. My ex did the same things, with the dating websites, and all that. He accused me of cheating when I wasn't. He was projecting his own feelings and actions onto me. He never did get the other person in trouble, I never got him in trouble. We just went through the divorce, no lawyers, just us. We divided everything as evenly and fairly as possible. We actually get along ok now, for the most part. In terms of the divorce, try to keep your emotions out of it as much as possible, and try not to be petty and spiteful. It can be hard to do, but it will benefit you in the long run. If you have already filed, you have the upper hand. Get in touch with the legal department on base, and see what advice they can give you.

lostastowhattodo 19 months ago

Anna Marie - I read your post and I am actually going thru the almost the same situation. My soon to be ex husband is currently deployed and we had an issue of people starting rumors of me and someone (this person is military). I told him (husband) about it because i had nothing to hide. I had been a faithful wife and true to my vows. In me telling him about it, he told me 2 days later he wanted a divorce. I found out a few days later that he had a gf, from going on to his email and his FB. I saw the conversations they were having and I confronted him. he said he had met her online from a singles website. We had had an issue like this before earlier this year with him setting up singles accounts on these websites and having online relationships with other women. He says it was not cheating however I see it that way. I tried to forgive him and I couldn't. Because before he left he was acting wierd. I knew something was up but couldn't prove anything. I never took it to his command when I found out about it, due to the fact i knew they wouldn't do anything cause it wasn't physical.

Now once he told me we were done and he wanted the divorce. I did go a little wild. I did start dating the friend and grew to have strong feelings. I then had people who i thought were friend they are now talking and telling him alot of things. He is trying to use it against me telling me he will get this person in trouble and ruin his career. I do not know what to do. Do I just ignore it? I mean i broke off the relationship for that matter of not wanting someone in trouble. I never cheated, I did stay faithful. I know it was wrong to even start the relationship because we hadn't started the divorce process. But he had this other girl that he is "in love with". I was hurt and found comfort. I know it was wrong, but i did it and i have to deal with that.

My question to you is what happened with your ex when he threatened to get the person in trouble? when he got home did you just do the divorce? I know that i don't want to let this be personal and just get it done with. I have filed and am waiting for him to get home so he can be served. I know there is no way we can make it, due to how many times I have dealt with lies and pain he has caused me in the last 5 years of being together and 3 years of marriage.

As a former wife what do you suggest? I am not wanting to see anyone in trouble for anything not even him with his GF, that he says he hasn't been physical with. But how do i really know? I know this is all rambled, i just have alot of questions and no one can seem to tell me. again your story makes me look into the future and hopefully someday this will all be a bad dream. I mean don't get me wrong, i have had some amazing times being a military wife. I have met so many people and really respect our military members. It's just at this point, I am so lost.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 20 months ago

Audrey-- Thank you for sharing your own situation. I know the hate and anger that lingers after. I have let go of a lot of that.

Audrey McKinney 20 months ago

I'm very familiar with stories such as this. I was married nearly 3.5 years when I filed for divorce. My ex lied the entire time we were married. Cheated both while deployed and when at home. His distance and strange behavior (coupled with my own intuition) is what gave his secrets away. BUT I must say.... after divorcing, leaving with my two babies and working through the anger, grief and hateful feelings... I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel of off of this crap. Ive found myself again. I've learned what I will not ever put up with again and that I can STOP being angry (even thought it took a lot of late night hateful texts and calls to him...lol...we all know how that goes, lol). MY HEART GOES OUT TO ALL OF THOSE WHO HAVE TO ENDURE THIS TYPE OF PAIN. I think cheating is worse than being shot dead.... cause you hold the pain of cheating forever.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 21 months ago

forsakensoldier-- I have known several female military members, some bad (like what you describe), but several who are wonderful people; caring, loving, wonderful women. I am sorry for your experience, and do wish the best for you.

forsakensoldier 21 months ago

Im sorry to say but if shes military shes banging others. i speek from first hand knowlege from being in the army and haveing a army wife. so here for you is a true sad story with just the facts. she was in the army first and i always heard storys from her about all the girls cheating and sleeping with anyone and everyone, but not her she would not do that. ya right! i found out in time she was cheating just as much or more than all the other girls. while on deployment to iraq i found out about one guy for 100% shure and had proof but was told by guys in her unit i was friends with about 25 more guys.She is at cob speicher in iraq now and screwing anything that moves sorry to any spouses out there whos man gets in her sights. so i joined the military to find out if it was just becase of war or what exactly happened and i was mad as hell at her. i soon found out wemen in the military are really no more than someone for the male soldiers to sleep with when away from home,and they love all the no strings sex. i am not saying all female military members are this way but 95% at least and wow are they wild, so in closeing dont mary a military girl but if you want to get layed no strings deffinestly join up.and old devil dog told me if you want to get layed join the military if you want to get screwed marry someone in the military. i have found that is so very true.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 23 months ago

MilitaryBrat-- After reading the rest of your story, my heart goes out to you. I am glad things are better for you, and I am with you. Despite my own situation, I have enduring respect for military members and the work they have to do. Thank you for sharing with me, and everyone else.

MilitaryBrat 23 months ago

...oops...a military training instructor (drill instructor). I was all for it at first, because I was tired of him having to deploy every few months. At least he would be in the same city if he had to be gone, but that didn't make a difference. He started to change, becoming mean and controlling. His coldness made me lonlier than ever. Over the next 2 years he spent 17+ hours a day learning and loving his job. Whenever he was at home, he wanted to be at work. This made me resentful. When I got pregnant with our second child he seemed to soften up and look forward to coming home again. But after about 6 months, he started spending all his time at work, sometimes even staying the night. I quickly realized why after a phone call from a friend. Her husband told her that my husband had been spending alot time with a "friend", a married female drill instructor at work. I found out that he requested to work directly with her, and his commander approved it! What a more perfect excuse to hide an affair than "I'm at work." There were rumors the whole time, all of which he aand she denied. Within days of our second son being born, he couldn't wait to get to work, even though he was on leave for the next three weeks. He was angry that I needed him home to help, so I gave up. He canceled his leave and went back early. After awhile he stopped coming home at all. Within the next 6 months, he filed for divorce, put in notice on our base house without telling me (forcing me and our two boys out), and moved in with his "friend", who was conveniently no longer married. It was a mess. Everyone started coming out of the woodwork telling me about what had been going on. Stories even started surfacing about him cheating on me during deployments from the time we were engaged. I felt like such a loser. I mean how could I not have known? Eventually he married his "friend" and had more children, which just made things worse. My whole marriage to him was a lie, but I learned to pick myself up and take care of my boys on my own. I was later blessed with a husband who was divorced due to a similar situation, and our marriage is very strong, especially because of those hurts from our other relationships. Despite what happened to me, I still think very highly of military members, the job they choose to do, and their families. They go through alot! But it makes me sad when military members get away with destroying families while hiding behind and being protected by their uniform.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 23 months ago

anonymous-- Interesting approach. Though, even average guys can cheat. Trust me. Just be careful that it doesn't backfire. Holding something like that over his head may bread resentment.

Natalie-- I am sorry for you. I do hope for the best for you. I know it can all be hard, but staying in a marriage just for your children is never a good idea.

Barbara-- It is amazing to me to see how many people share a story so much like mine. Thank you.

Sam-- I decided to leave a lot out of the story for various reasons. I even scaled down his exploits and kept to the basics of the story. Neither of us were perfect, and we both made mistakes.

jASSY-- I wish you the very best!!

Veteran-- I know what I did, and I regret the way I reacted to all of it, but I can be honest about it. A lot of time has passed since these events. Years, in fact. Both of us have changed a great deal. While, I agree with you, I am not the same person I was back then.

MilitaryBrat-- Having a support system is incredibly helpful. It is hard, and I imagine you have a whole new level of respect for your mother. My best wishes to you.

MilitaryBrat 23 months ago

Thank you for your truthful story. I was born in a military family. As a kid I thought it was fun. I never realized just how hard it was for my mom having my dad gone all the time. She made it look easy, but I found out it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, especially when I married my own "military one and only" at just 19. I went into our marriage knowing that it was for better or for worse and for me there was no getting out, and I thought he had the same feelings. I was lonely alot and just tried to keep my focus on our young son. I spent time with a woman who became my best friend (a wife of one of the guys my husband worked with). She was very faithful to both her husband and kids, so I had an ali to help me avoid getting mixed up in all the sleeping around going on, and there was alot! The biggest problem came when my husband decided to change career fields and become

Veteran 23 months ago

Your husband is a total loser and needs to seek help and you should learn to control yourself, at least dont cheat on him while he is fighting for our country. As a vet mysef I know there is tons that goes through your mind while in a combat zone, dealing with the stresses of a cheating wife back home is that last thing that he needs. Not to mention his fellow soldiers are counting on him to bring them home alive. Not that he was right in what he did, but no one should ever have to deal with that stress while fighting terrorist scum. Neither one of you should be proud of your actions.

jASSY 2 years ago

hey,i enjoyed reading this.i am not only a soon to be wife but,also in the service as well. i know how it's like going through the training i understood.i mean at bct,basic it was hard for ppl to hook up or cheat.the reason being was the drill sgts had a very strict rule stating no FRATENIZATION.alot of ppl got in serious trouble if caught.but,along the road you go to AIT,job training but to soldiers meant "AS IN TEMPORARY." the sgts are more at ease there.lots of hookups happen there.i was at a ait where we had marines on.i seen married ppl hookup w/other soldiers.sadly,i thought they were STUPID.but,on the other hand i found my husband there. && i know we'll be fine.best wishes to you!

Sam 2 years ago

Very well written. I have been on the opposing end of this "secret life"as an often deployed and out of state soldier. You seem to have (understandably) been sparing in your detail of your own actions, and the thing that nags at me about this is that in the end you spent romantic time with soldiers that your husband worked with. Does it bother you that you gave yourself willingly to people with the same lack of morales as your ex? The biggest problem in the Army (other than the fact that the Army doesn't care) is that soldiers are willing to take advantage of each others situations. Its very despot, and while I am sorry for everything that was done wrong to you, at least you are the civilian. As the soldier you are always at fault, and never have action or recourse. When the roles of spouse and cheater are reversed it is a much more painful story.

Barbara 2 years ago

Its like you wrote that about my life experience its quite the same. sadly still going through the ending part.

Natalie2010 2 years ago

Thank you for sharing your story. I am in the process of working up the courage for an official divorce...my husband has cheated with so many women. For 5 years I have been trying to maintain a shell of normalcy for our son, but he has volunteered himself for 2 years in Bahrain after he tried to go over to Afghanistan but got injured in training Now this is after he told me he wanted to get out of the Navy and settle in CA where I had already moved to in preparation. Then I get a yahoo message (not even a phone call) that he decided while in Phys Rehab for his injury that he was staying in, already signed the papers and was going to Bahrain for 2 years. This is on top of his 2 6 month deployments in a 2 year time period. I have been raising our son pretty much by myself the last 5 years and I am afraid of the custody part of the divorce. He has some major issues as does family and I don't want my son alone with any of them. He never calls our son, and is parading around Bahrain with his girlfriend on and off base. We are not even divorced, not even started the process. It is so frustrating and hurtful. I spend hours everyday stressing over this.

anonymous 2 years ago

As a previous single parent in the military and now a military spouse, I chose to marry a man I love who happen to be a computer nerd and average looking. To keep him in line, every now and then, I let him know that I have options to include cheating if he ever decides to cheat. I don't work out 5 days a week for my health and maintain myself for nothing.....this I know has help keep my marriage in tact. This is not to say that he will cheat but I gave him a glimpse that two can play the game and he was tamed!!!

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 2 years ago

JOJO-- It really is sad, isn't it? How commonplace it all is...Thank you!!

lovelyrose-- My heart goes out to you. I have been there. I wish you the best of luck. I hope things turn out better for you in the future. Bless you!

lovelyrose2009 2 years ago

Hi, I read your story and I too was cheated by my military husband, never thought he would do such thing to ruin our relationship because I trusted him so much. Now I'm pregnant with my fourth child and three of my children are with me. We moved in back with my family since my husband and I don't get along that much. He was stationed in Korea for a year where he got this juicy girl lived in with him off base and got her pregnant. I didn't find out until he brought us with him to Germany. I gave him another chance thought things would change, but nothing. He would say lots of lies and made me believe that their relationship is over. If you feel that something really is going on you can really tell that your husband is really doing something stupid behind your back. So I started digging up more stuff through his email and found out that he's been sending her money every single pay check and also told her how much he loves her so much. I was so pist that I started hitting him back real hard on his face. I was so hurt knowing that our kids are still young. Now I'm living as a single mother with three children and a baby on the way. Sometime I just think if I can handle this all on my own now since he shows no care with us anymore. Hard to love your man especially if his only going to hurt your feeling over and over again. I wish you and your daughter good luck in your life.

JOJO 2 years ago

I so agree with you! When I read your story, I knew exactly what you were taking about. My trust to my husand is gone. I do love him, but something is dead inside. The military live is different. Cheating is the norm.

Cheers JOJO

Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 2 years ago

worried-- If your stepson's wife is the military member, charges of adultery can be brought against her, but there has to be a certain amount of proof, and he has to be willing to make an issue out of it. As far as websites...I don't know of any that would be helpful. I wish I could be more help.

worried in raymond 2 years ago

my stepsons wife is in the navy and cheating on my stepson. I am wondering what can be done to her because our grandson is in the house with another man? Can you give me any websites to look at in association with consequences of the military spouse commiting adultry...thank you very much......worried in raymond

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 2 years ago

molly-- Thank you very much! Life is better for all of those mentioned in the story, including myself. My daughter is a delight, and growing into a beautiful girl. Thank you again!!

molly 2 years ago

Great writing. I enjoyed reading your story. I am sorry about what happened. Hopefully life is better now and that your two daughters are healthy and happy as well. :)

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 2 years ago

Catherine-- You are welcome. Thank you for reading!!

Catherine 2 years ago

Thank you for this story.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 3 years ago

tabruh-- I agree. There is a love/hate relationship that develops. I look fondly on my time as a military spouse. I am proud of the work my ex-husband, and all the great men and women I was priviledged enough to meet, did for our country. I keep in touch with several of the people I met during that time, and despite the bad side, I still have great memories of that time in my life. Best of luck to you, and God bless you!

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tabruh 3 years ago

I think as a military spouse you begin to have a love hate relationship. For those who just started don't worry you'll soon understand. lol. I get to see both sides here soon . I am going from the spouse to the enlisted. I had always wondered how it was for the other side. I will soon know and let you all know too.lol. But yes, indeed there are times that you must reach inside yourself and realize just why your doing this... just what it is your spouse is doing and the good that they are doing... that is what you must keep at heart or else... you will find yourself in a downward spiral. You have to love the close community of the military and their families though

Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 3 years ago

KC-- Thank you for reading this, and thank you for your comments. I didn't know that many female military members, but the few I did know were faithful, as far as I knew, anyway. It's not just men, and it's not just women, it's not just the military members, either, it's the spouses, too, and it spans all branches of the military.

KC 3 years ago

Your story is sad, but so common. I was an Infantry NCO for nearly 10 yrs and got out to go to school etc... I met and married an intel officer who was a few years younger. It was a hellish story as well, she had been married 3 times, engaged several, had numerous affairs during all of her marriages. Some were with other married officers. The bottom line, they all look the other way and it is disgraceful. Sooner or later, it needs to be cleaned up. They are not even shy about it on deployment. I was never around female soldiers in my ten years, but apparently they have time to play around while "over there".

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 3 years ago

Ok, good!! I wasn't sure how it would come across!

Mrs Hozey profile image

Mrs Hozey 3 years ago

Oh no. I definitely didn't take it as military bashing. It's good that you shared your experiences.

Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 3 years ago

Mrs Hozey-- Thank you for your comments! I am glad that your experience is different than mine!! I know it isn't the same for everyone. You are right, there are penalties and court martials for those that are caught. Adultery is a crime under the UCMJ, but that doesn't stop everyone. The truth of the matter is, you have to have real proof. A lot of times, that is hard to do. I have the utmost respect for those serving in our military!!! I hope this didn't come across as bashing the military. That was never my intention. I just wanted to bring light to a real problem that a lot of people deal with. Best of luck to you and your husband!!!!

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Mrs Hozey 3 years ago

Wow. What a hellish story. Very well written.

I do have to say, though, I've been a military spouse for six months and I absolutely love it. There are parts that I don't like, just as it is with any other kind of lifestyle, I suppose. But my husband and I have been together the whole time (he was previously enlisted, medically retired, we married, he re-enlisted -- long story) and his career field does not deploy. His CO (a woman who would be friends with everybody in her squadron if she could) and the whole wing are very pro-family. My husband tells me that there are severe consequences nowadays for cheating servicemembers. The ones that get caught, that is.

I'm sorry your experience was so horrible. For me being a military spouse has been a wonderful, life-changing opportunity.

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Anna Marie Bowman Hub Author 3 years ago

Thanks, Rodney!! I guess any small, close-knit community deals with similar issues. The military seems to amplify these issues, due to the stress of the lifestyle and other issues.

Just_Rodney profile image

Just_Rodney Level 3 Commenter 3 years ago

Great Hub, in the content and actual execution, not the hurt and betrayal part. I have never been to the army, but my cousins grew up in a very small mining community, surprising what you learn about life in a place like that.

Thanks for the hub.

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